Conservatives Stunned By Racially Motivated Crime in Post-Racial America

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Racism is dead in America, and has been for quite some time. This was the majority opinion of the five conservative justices on the Supreme Court when the high court replaced its gavels with meat cleavers, chopping up the Voting Rights Act of 1965 with their own decision in the summer of 2013. The thrust of the argument made by Justices Roberts, Scalia, Kennedy, Alito and Thomas was that so much progress had been made on the issue of race and racism in America that the Voting Rights Act was hardly needed anymore. After all, extrajudicial lynch mob murders are way, way down, and as we all know it’s only lynchings that can be used as a metric for progress, and not things like the enactment of voter ID laws, police training practices that result in hundreds of unarmed black men being shot dead by cops in the last several years, or any other set of data that more mainstream outlets might urge one to consider.

With racism being so clearly dead in America, the tragic shooting at one of the country’s oldest black churches has thrown quite a few conservatives for a loop. The gunman, still at large at the time of publication, is a white, 21-year old male. The police are calling this a hate crime, though as reality TV star and Fox News host Elisabeth Hasslebeck pointed out on her network this morning, “hate is not something you use in a crime, hate is something you subtly slip into your news broadcasts couched as salient and cogent points made by a TV host.” Still though, others within the conservative community have expressed shock and confusion over something they were told by conservative politicians and pundits perhaps not really panning out.

“I’d have preferred they not cover the story at all,” former Rep. Michele Bachmann told The Political Garbage Chute in an interview conducted while Bachmann was having her foil hat collection buffed and polished. “Clearly they’re getting sloppy over at Fox News because in the old days, they wouldn’t have even covered this story. It’s so much easier to create and foster a narrative that racism is dead when you bury any and all stories to the contrary,” Bachmann later said.

When reporters caught up with Chief Justice John Roberts early the morning after the shooting, they asked him if seeing nine gunned down in a senseless and obvious hate crime in any way changes his mind about the state of racism in this country. “No way,” Roberts said. “If anything, it reaffirms it! I mean, it’s not like these shootings are happening every day…you’re thinking of white cops shooting unarmed black men.” Roberts said that “clearly since these crimes aren’t happening all day every day, that means racism is dead and anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool.”

“Look, I just want to know when we’re going to stop talking about the colored people and get back to discussing letting Sodomites be full-fledged humans,” Justice Scalia told a gang of reporters that had found him at his favorite breakfast spot. “I mean, we already did that whole black thing back in the day. And clearly everything we tried worked so well, there’s no need to fixate on whether or not we just might have kinda swept problems under the rug, or whether racism is so quiet and subversive as to force us to remain forever vigilant for it. But seriously, can we just get back to talking about buttsex now?”

Eric Bolling, a colleague of Hasselbeck’s on Fox News, said to reporters after his morning shift that he was “sad” he had to cover the story at all. “I mean, the whole idea behind our narrative is that conservatives are right about race. Our whole ethos is built on the idea of black people just playing the victim card instead of being literally born into a bad situation with almost zero ways out. If we have to start covering all these stories that clearly show that even 150 years after slavery ended and another 50 years after the Civil Rights movement of the 1960’s we still have so much work to do, even our own viewers might start actually thinking about what black people go through in this country, instead of what they actually go through.”

“I just don’t get why they are calling this a racial crime,” said 53-year-old Todd Harveston of Bow Ringer, Texas. Harveston is a self-described “life long conservative in service to God, country, family and Chik-Fil-A, in that order” and he said that “it can’t be no hate racial crime because our Chiefly Justice Roberts said racism is dead, and I don’t know if you libtarded media guys know this or not, but according to the Bible and less importantly our constitution, once Chief Justice declares something as true, it’s true no matter what, by law. So there ain’t no such thing as racially motivated crimes no more. Period.”

When asked if they’d call the perpetrator a domestic terrorist on their broadcast, both Hasselbeck and Bolling emphatically said “no.” Hasselbeck after much thought looked at the reporters and asked, “Um, how can he be a terrorist? He’s not a Muslim. Duh-doy!”

The Emanuel AME Church is one of the oldest black churches in the country. It was co-founded by Denmark Vesey, who attempted to lead a slave revolt, and saw his first church burned down by slave owners in protest. Police are still looking for the white man in his early 20’s that perpetrated this tragedy on Emanuel AME.

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