Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Jeff Sessions: ‘White People Can’t Commit Perjury’

Lying or misleading Congress under oath is not perjury if you're white, according to Attorney General Jeff Sessions...probably.

Trump Calls William Shatner and Congratulates Him on 40 Years of Star Wars

The iconic film Star Wars: A New Hope celebrates its 40th Anniversary today, and the president wanted to congratulate one of its stars.

Mulvaney Explains That Trump Budget Uses ‘Alternative Math’

Budget director Mick Mulvaney explains that the math behind President Trump's new budget isn't wrong. It's just alternative.

Sean Hannity Accuses George Soros Of Inventing Class and Dignity So We Will Think He Has None

Sean Hannity is a classless, conspiracy peddling douchebag with no dignity. But did George Soros have a hand in it? Sean thinks so. Because Sean is stupid.

Government Mandated FLOTUS Test Shows Melania’s Hands Are Her Smartest Body Parts

During his trip the Middle East, President Trump has seen his wife Melania smack away his hand twice. Now we know why.

Krispy Kreme Signs Deal To Be Trey Gowdy’s Official Congressional Glazing Sponsor

Trey Gowdy sweats. Profusely. One doughnut retailers doesn't see disgustingness in his glazed face though; they see marketing opportunities.

Report: Trump May Ask His ‘Old Friend Hillary’ to Run the FBI

They go way back, so why couldn't Hillary run the FBI for her old golfing buddy President Donald Trump?

Western Wall Was “Unimpressed” By Trump’s Hand Size

During its visit with President Trump, Israel's Western Wall noted that it was not overly impressed by the commander in chief's mitts.

Local Douchebag Anxious to Be Vindicated About Manchester Terror Suspect’s Religion

A terror attack in Manchester provides the perfect example of why it's so important to demagogue entire religions over the actions of a small minority.

President Trump Tucks Folded Up Electoral College Map Into Western Wall

While visiting the historic Western Wall in Jerusalem, President Donald Trump reportedly snuck a little bragging note into God.