Sally Yates Bringing Orangutan Tranquilizer to Congressional Testimony

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The former acting Attorney General who was fired by President Donald Trump is set to testify before Congress today, and she is reportedly bringing some extra backup, in case things get “interesting,” one source said. Sally Yates, the woman who was fired from the Department of Justice for refusing to defend President Trump’s Muslim travel ban, will be going before the Senate Judiciary Committee later this morning, and when she does she will have a blow dart gun and an arrow tipped with a heavy sedative meant to incapacitate large, angry primates.

“Sally is bringing the strongest orangutan tranquilizer that can be purchased on the open market,” one source close to Ms. Yates told the media, “and the hope of course is that she doesn’t need to use it, but given what she’ll be testifying about, let’s just say there’s a chance a rather large, Russian whore piss loving orangutan could make a surprise appearance, and Sally just wants to be prepared, is all.”

The subject of Ms. Yates testimony will be the state sponsored interference in the 2016 presidential election by Russia, and whether there were ties — indirectly or directly — to the Trump campaign. It has been widely reported that Ms. Yates had tried to warn the Trump team that General Michael Flynn, Trump’s first pick for National Security Adviser, had lied to them about his contacts with Russian officials in the transition period between the Obama White House and Trump’s. Flynn would subsequently be fired by Trump, ostensibly for lying to Pence about his contacts with Russia, but some wondered if the president himself or anyone close to him had already known about Flynn’s contacts and was simply providing cover him when Yates was fired from the Department of Justice.

“There’s no denying that since January 20th the angry orangutan population has surged tremendously in the nation’s capital,” a congressional staffer told us, “so I don’t think anyone, Democrat or even Republican, can really blame Ms. Yates for wanting to protect herself from being attacked by a dopey, ill-informed, out of touch, tin horn puppet dictator and trust fund racist…who also happens to be a giant, orange orangutan.”

Thus far, Trump has seen his National Security Adviser (Flynn), and a handful of other associates like Carter Page and Paul Manafort quit or be terminated from their employment in his administration because of their ties to Russia.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

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