Doctors Rushing to Remove Sally Yates’ Foot from Ted Cruz’s Rectum

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a contentious exchange during a hearing of the Senate Judiciary Committee, first responders and D.C. Metro Police are confirming that medical crews are hurriedly trying to remove former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates’ foot from the rectum of a sitting — though at the moment rather uncomfortably — U.S. Senator.

“Ouch! That hurt! Get her fucking foot out of my ass,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) could be heard shouting in the chamber in which the hearing was held, “Sally! How could you do that to me? All I was trying to do is catch you in a gotcha question and you rammed your foot up my ass, twice, in two minutes!”

The exchange that Cruz was referring to came when the Texas Republican tried to cite a specific statute to Ms. Yates as reason for why her refusal to back President Trump’s Muslim travel ban was inappropriate. Ms. Yates then shot back with an answer referring to an addendum and update to that same statute.

As reported by Raw Story, Cruz tried twice to trip-up Yates and both times the former acting Attorney General deftly batted his commentary away.

Cruz argued that the Office of Legal Counsel had issued a determination that the order was legal, but Yates said that finding ignored the First Amendment in favor of an obscure statute that had since been updated.

“In this particular instance, particularly where we were talking about a fundamental issue of religious freedom, not the interpretation of some arcane statute, but religion freedom, it was appropriate for us to look at the intent behind the president’s actions and the intent is laid out in his statements,” Yates said.

Cruz then tried to trip her up by suggesting her actions were extraordinary.

Yates delivered the final blow by accusing the Office of Legal Counsel of violating longstanding norms.

“I’m not, but I’m also not aware of a situation where the Office of Legal Counsel was advised not to tell the attorney general about it until after it was over,” Yates said. (source)

Doctors are concerned they might not be able to extricate Yates’ foot from Cruz’s rectum quickly enough to stop him from saying something that would result in Yates — or someone else’s — foot to end up being inserted right back into it. They note that over his career, Cruz has often taken to grandstanding in front of Senate hearings, and that it’s a very safe bet he’d do so again.

“If this man’s speaking, he’s probably being smug,” one doctor told a member of the press under condition of anonymity, “and so there’s always going to be a smug for someone with intelligence, eloquence, and expertise to ram their foot right back up his smug ass. So all our efforts might be in vain, and we could be right back here for the second round of questioning, or another hearing.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

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