APPLE PEAK, OHIO — At a campaign rally in Ohio this week, Carly Fiorina continued to impress donors and supporters alike with another extraordinary tale from her life before being a Republican candidate for president.
The former Hewelett-Packard CEO told a crowd at her rally about the time she was pulled into an emergency room at a hospital near the HP corporate headquarters. “I was walking down the street, just minding my own, when all of a sudden a doctor rushes up to me and says, ‘Follow me, Ms. Fiorina, we need you and only you!'” Fiorina says she was taken into a pre-op room where she was handed scrubs and told to wash-up because she was going to be “participating in medical history.”
“Rest assured, what I’m about to tell you is all completely and totally true, no matter how lacking in evidence to back it up,” Fiorina said as she began her story. According to her, after getting scrubbed-up, Fiorina was led into an operating room where there was a young woman giving birth. “What made this birth so spectacular,” Fiorina said, “is that this pregnancy was only eight weeks old! If you were to ask a liberal, or Hillary Clinton, they’d tell you that eight week old has no chance of being viable on its own, and therefore it’s just not as big a deal if it is aborted than say, to force that woman to carry the child to full-term against her will.”
Fiorina has become a champion of the conservative, anti-abortion cause during the Republican primary season. She made national headlines during the second televised Republican debate when she described with great conviction and emotional impact a scene in one of the Planned Parenthood “sting” videos released by the right-wing extremist group known as Center for Medical Progress. In the subsequent hours and days that followed the debate, Fiorina doubled, tripled, and quadrupled down on her declarations about the video, despite independent fact checkers in several media circles could not verify the scene she described took place, and the head of the CMP told CNN in a recent interview that it was essentially stock footage.
Unfazed by the criticism that she was at the very least exaggerating what she misunderstood to be happening in the video, Fiorina has stayed steadfast in her condemnation of abortion and Planned Parenthood. “I knew as I was helping the doctors deliver that tiny bundle of miraculous, scientifically unprovable joy that I was doing something good not just for me, not just for that tiny little glob of a baby, but for America.” Fiorina regaled her audience with the details of what it was like to help birth what most would consider an 8-week old fetus, but that she kept describing as a “baby.”
“There was a feeling in the air of electricity,” Fiorina said, “as we put that young mother under anesthesia, and surgically removed that kidney-bean sized American with its full compliment of constitutional protections. We were striking a blow for life itself!” Ms. Fiorina said that once the baby was removed, it was placed in a warm incubator underneath a hot water bottle, and according to her, “within ten minutes, that fetus was dancing, laughing, singing, and it even smiled at me!”
After the rally, Fiorina was swarmed with reporters asking for more details. One reporter asked her what the gender of the baby was, to which Fiorina said, “Technically, I guess there was no gender, but rest assured, that fetus went on to not only live a full and productive life, but it also became a prodigious piano player and hit a home run in the Little League World series!” Another reporter asked the Republican contender why her story couldn’t be found in any peer-reviewed medical journal, to which Fiorina smiled, squinted, and released an audible, but inoffensive fart and said, “I’m sorry, what were you saying?
When a female reporter from The Dallas Gazette asked Fiorina how she could relate such a story as a woman, when so many of the details were anathema to how the female reproductive system works, the business leader turned politician become furious. Berating the reporter, she said, “I am a woman, this is true, so you would think that I have a very good, fundamental idea of how human reproduction works. However, given my ridiculous stance on abortion, it’s obvious that I think there is something magical happening inside a woman’s body instead of something naturally explained through biological science, and therefore I take a very radical, antiquated view of sexual autonomy.”