The second debate of the 2016 Republican primary season will air tonight on CNN. The pageantry and panache will be on full-display as 11 Republican politicians stand behind podiums and tell the American people — and their party’s voter base — why they should be trusted to lead this country into the next four years. Being tremendously gifted political analysts, The Political Garbage Chute did some intense debate research, called various insiders on the Hill, and have gleaned five rock-solid predictions about the debate that you can take to the bank, and here they are!
#5. Carly Fiorina Will Announce She’s Laid Off 500 Campaign Staffers
Wanting to remind the conservative Republican base that she’s got the “business acumen” they want in a commander in chief, Fiorina will announce in her opening statement that she has laid off 500 campaign workers. An additional 300 workers will have their jobs moved to a call center in Guam.
#4. Donald Trump Will Officially “Tap-Out” and Let Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Co-Run for Him
Let’s face it; The Donald is the living embodiment of the Palin and Bachmann voter. He is loud and unapologetic when he makes sweeping, generalized statements about immigrants, people of color, Hispanic people and LGBT people. He uses nakedly offensive rhetoric. If he had tits he’d be Palin or Bachmann anyway. Tonight will be the night he steps aside and lets the Derp Sisters take over his campaign.
#3. Jeb! Bush Will Reveal He Found the WMD in Iraq Last Weekend
In what will be a shock to the world and a relief to his big brother, Jeb! will storm the stage and announce that last weekend he took a trip to Iraq to see firsthand the “overwhelming and unmistakable” victory George W. Bush and Dick Cheney led us into. He’ll reveal that as he was walking back to his hotel, he happened to see a pile of newspapers in the middle of the street. He decided to move a few of them to see what was under them, and lo and behold! He found the weapons of mass destruction that big bro and his boss promised we’d find there 13 years ago, and they were part of an ongoing program Hussein was running with Bin Laden!
#2. Ben Carson Will Say Something Really Astute and Insightful That’s Not At All Weird and Gross
Sure, in the past Carson has said things like he doesn’t think there should be any rules in warfare, and that the Geneva accords are like a big, “whatever man.” And yeah, he’s compared Obamacare to slavery, but tonight’s the night Dr. Ben Carson throws all the stupid out the window and finally says something that would make you believe he actually is a highly-educated neurosurgeon, and not a woefully ignorant puppet of the right-wing, spewing horribly antiquated and inhumane rhetoric. His first intelligent thought?
#1. A Bunch of Greedy, Selfish, Rich People Will Tell Us Poor People Are To Blame For What’s Wrong in America
No, but for reals, this will happen. You’ll have a trust fund baby front runner, a vulturous former CEO, and a ton of other people with ass loads of money up on a stage. They will be talking to people who likely never, ever be rich like the people on that stage. And those rich people on stage will all do their best to convince the audience — and the world — that the only way to make the working poor’s life better is to make sure the super-rich people like the ones on the stage have as much money as they can, and that they don’t feel at all “disrespected” or negatively, because then the super-patriotic rich people will have no other choice but to take all their sweet, sweet cash somewhere else. Because nothing says “Christian family values” like worshiping profits over people, of course.