Republicans Worried Wrong A-Hole Is Fronting Their A-Hole Policies

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Speaking to the press after a campaign rally in his home state of Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker (R) told members of the media that he and many of the other Republican candidates for president are “tremendiciously concerned” about Donald Trump. Walker, a man who spurns the merits of education, called Trump “a vacuous, stubborn, asshole who spews toxic crap everywhere he goes” but told reporters “that’s not not even close to why” he and his fellow GOP hopefuls are concerned about Trump’s run. According to Walker, it’s because Trump is “the wrong asshole for the job” that Walker doesn’t want him out front.

“It’s not that he’s an asshole — we’re all assholes. I mean, how do you live life in 2015 and honestly stand in front of the American people and tell them we don’t help the rich enough, but we help the poor too much,” Walker asked the reporters rhetorically. “Our polices are asshole policies. We’re against gay marriage so much we’d rather just stop issuing marriage licenses to everyone instead of being respectful of LGBT people,” Walker said, adding, “we flatly oppose health care reform, climate change solutions and even an historic nuclear arms deal with Iran, and all without offering a single, viable solution as the alternative. In fact, our solution is precisely to have no solution — because government solutions are bad to us, remember, so laziness excused as ‘principle’ is what wins the day for our voters. We are assholes.”

A few hundred miles away in Ohio, Jeb! (R-FL) was echoing Walker’s sentiments. Telling the press that “while [he] totally understand[s] Trump’s appeal and even is jealous of his ability to literally say the things we all want to say but are too afraid to” he is concerned about Trump’s unwillingness to couch his rhetoric in platitudes. “See, we Republicans aren’t afraid to front the nonsensical, antiquated policies of the past — like, say, supply side economics — but we always have to be sure to hide the subtext of our rhetoric. Trump just comes out and says racist, xenophobic and downright stupid stuff. It’s the stuff our base believes, and it’s the stuff they want to hear, but he’s doing it all wrong. This country needs a president with a family pedigree of championing stupid economic policies and woefully overly-aggressive and misguided wars that knows how to dress-up the Republican crazy with prettier words.”

“He’s just not very good at obfuscation,” Sen. Lyndsey Graham (R-SC) told an audience of about two dozen people at a doughnut shop just down the street from his studio apartment in Washington, D.C. Graham told those near him that “Republican politicians go through a grueling, 15-day bootcamp where you are ridden hard, you are hidden fast, and you are trained to say, think and feel the most horribly regressive things, but to do so in a way that makes you the victim if someone calls you out on it.”

Graham later told the same doughnut shop patrons that  he and his fellow Republican politicians are “given tools” that allow “[Republican politicians] to talk about denying basic civil liberties to LGBT people or removing barriers to racial discrimination at the voting booth” despite their party’s well-documented efforts to disenfranchise minority voters and then “turn around and get indignant when people rightly point out our hypocrisy and/or the fact that what we’re actually doing is advocating status quo oppression.” Graham says that if Trump just keeps “boldly and nakedly shouting out the subtext of what we want instead of the flowery, bullshit-laden version of it we try to sell to the voters our jig is up.”

“The entire Republican brand right now is built on a smoke and mirrors approach to what we want America to look like,” Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus told the media in his weekly press conference. “It’s not so much that what Donald is saying isn’t what we believe in. Of course it is. We’re anti-immigrant. We’re anti-social safety net. We’re unconcerned with climate change, and we’re totally misogynistic about women’s rights form equal pay to abortion,” Priebus said. “But we can’t just go around saying this crap out loud. We have to hide it, couch it, and pretend as if what we’re saying is normal instead of weird and backwards set against our modern times.”

Sen. Ted Cruz, who many figured would be the most outlandish and stridently declarative in his conservative rhetoric before Trump hit the scene, differed from his fellow Republicans and many feel may be trying to position himself as a possible Trump VP candidate. “I think Donald’s wonderful,” Cruz told reporters this week.

“He’s not squishy,” Cruz continued. “He just says what he feels needs to be said, regardless of its inherent lack of logic, empathy or common sense. That’s Republican. He caters to the fears and paranoid delusions of a dwindling populace that has some Pollyanna style vision of what America was 50 years ago. That’s Republican. If you ask me, these other jackasses are missing a golden opportunity to hop on the wagon of the most Republican candidate in years. I’m pro-Trump, because Republicans need to be willing to be the stubborn, ranting, anti-intellectual, old fashioned, stick in the mud, oppressive, status quo defending assholes in the room.

“The moment we stop being that, is the moment the terrorists, and more dangerously the Democrats, win,” Cruz concluded somberly.

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