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Local Gym Owner Confident His COVID-19 Email Just Made All the Difference
SPAMM MOUNTAIN, WASHINGTON -- As he closed down his laptop for the day yesterday, Scott McGee knew he'd "done it," he told his wife...
Big Time Wall Street Asshole Really Lovin’ That Socialism (and Cocaine) Now, Mothafuckas!
NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- "You know what," Will Palumbozo asked our reporter over coffee that costs more than $14 after gratuity a couple...
7 Fun Ways to Avoid Selling Your Kids to the Circus During Their School’s...
All across the country, schools are closing down in order to slow the rate of infection of the novel coronavirus. For weeks, a global...
Houston Astros in Talks to Sign Tom Brady
HOUSTON, TEXASS -- Major League Baseball's Houston Astros have reportedly reached out to the management team for NFL superstar Tom Brady and offered him...
American Cancer Assures Public He’s Still Focused on Stopping Spread of “Chinese Virus”
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The President of the United States -- an American cancer in an ill-fitting suit -- gave an update to the American...
Local Woman Totally Judging What’s In Your Coronavirus Quarantine Preparation Shopping Cart
BECKY FALLS, MINNESOTA -- 43-year old Christina "Christy" Tomjanovich is judging the ever loving hell out of that shopping cart you're pushing. To be...
Town Shocked When Man Does Not Tell Women What to Do With Their Vaginae
A man in a small town decides he has too much to do to worry about all the vaginae in the land, and declines to have an opinion on abortion.
Poll: 70% of Americans Believe Trump Should Self-Quarantine in Hole Six Feet Underground
The results of a new poll, released just today, indicate that seven out of ten Americans believe that President Donald Trump should self-quarantine during...
Quarantined Cruise Passenger: Ship Talent Show ‘Far Worse’ Than Coronavirus Outbreak
ST. FRANK, CALIFORNIA -- When she boarded the Queen's Line cruise liner in Hawaii, 42 year old Karen Schufflebohrdt says she had no clue...
White House Wants Bill Outlawing Abortion After Point Of Erection
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a prayer breakfast in the nation's capital today, the country's vice president and official high religious inquisitor told attendees that...
