Houston Astros in Talks to Sign Tom Brady

Published on

HOUSTON, TEXASS — Major League Baseball’s Houston Astros have reportedly reached out to the management team for NFL superstar Tom Brady and offered him “any position he wants to play,” according to the Astros’ front office media officer. So far, it’s unclear if Brady has received Houston’s offer, or what his initial reaction to it was or will be. However, sources close to the situation are telling media outlets that the Astros are hopeful their “team culture and traditions” will lure Brady to a new sport, now that he’s officially left the New England Patriots football club.

In a pair of tweets this morning, the multiple-Super Bowl MVP announced that, after 20 seasons, he and the Pats would be parting ways.

Over the years, Brady has built an impressive resume, but all while playing American rules football. The Astros understand that they’re asking him to make a “big leap of faith” and are hoping he’s even willing to take on a new sport, this late in his professional sports career. However, Houston’s executive team believes they’ll be able to persuade Brady to take that chance on them.

Update: There Are Still LEGO On The Goddamned Floor

“We think we can provide Tom with the best atmosphere to do what he does best, which is win at all costs, no matter what pesky so-called rules you might have to break to get it done,” Astros Assistant Deputy Junior General Manager Kip Kensington told sports radio host Scott Tacklesack on his show this morning. “Sure it’s a brand new sport he’s taking on in the twilight of his pro career, but we think he’s got what we want, and we know we’ve got he wants. It’ll be a truly symbiotic, ethics-free moral vacation for Tom if he comes here. Not only can he do his thing in terms of not acting like the rules apply to him, Scott, we’ll actually show him some all new ways to bend rules that he’s never seen before.”

Kensington wouldn’t disclose the exact details of the proposed deal, but said that the Astros are “fully committed to doing what it takes” to land Brady. The Astros are in the American League, which has the designated hitter rule, but Kensington believes that Brady will likely be tried out at several key positions. Given he was a quarterback for the Patriots, the first place he’ll be given a shot, should he choose to sign with Houston, would be on the pitcher’s mound.

“Tom would just absolutely love our clubhouse, and we think he’d fit right in,” Kensington said, “because all our players are proud cheaters, just like he is. Why beat around the bush? He cheats, we cheat, it’s a match made in cheaters heaven, really.”

The Astros and Patriots have something in common, Kensington declared, that should make their teaming up a “no-brainer.” Both teams won championships and later were confirmed to have cheated in the process. In fact, both teams were confirmed cheaters in more than one of their championship years.

“Tom knows something that so many of his fellow Astros teammates would know,” Kensington guessed, “and that’s that sometimes you just have to remember winning isn’t everything. But it’s the best of anything, and in order to win, sometimes you have to cheat. We have to ask ourselves, if something isn’t worth cheating for, is it really worth winning?”

But if Brady decides that playing baseball isn’t for him, the Astros said that they could find a slot for him in the front office, or perhaps in another role helping the club.

“His experience with the Patriots shows he knows a thing or two about improper video recording and surveillance,” Kensington explained, “and that’s why we think we can find a place for Tom in our outfit somehow, some way. We just think, at the end of the day, he’ll like our whole vibe.”

Man Uncomfortable With How Similar His Stepson’s Pornhub Search History Is To His Own

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....