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5 Reasons You Give a Shit What Mitt Romney Thinks About Obama’s Second Term

By
James Schlarmann
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Mitt Romney took car elevator #16 as he came out of his gold plated bunker long enough to make remarks about President Obama’s second term thus far. For those of you who easily block out the memory of milquetoast, out of touch plutocrats, Romney is a gray-streaked vulture capitalist. He also literally embodies everything that is hated about conservative economic theory, but the Republicans actually thought was going to beat Barack Obama in last year’s presidential election. He didn’t, but that didn’t stop him from saying about the president’s second term thus far, “The extraordinary disappointment of the president’s second term is where the opportunity was greatest, he has proposed the least.” To which the president responded “What are you going to do in your second term, Mitt?”

Just kidding. The president didn’t say that. Clearly though, no one does or should give a shit what Romney thinks at this this point; we barely cared what he thought last year. However, there are some rare occasions where you might actually find yourself giving shits over Mitt, and here are five now.

#5. You’re a Bitter, Sore Loser Republican

If you were one of the special people who thought the polls were skewed, voter ID laws were written to help “ensure there was no voter fraud,” and that Romney just had that “momentum” people need to win elections, then you might actually care what Mitty says about a variety of subjects. Something tells us though, that most of those that were voting for Romney were holding their nose while doing so, choosing the “anyone but the Kenyan-Muslim-Socialist” option, so you probably really and truly don’t give a shit what Mitt thinks about anything anymore…if you ever did.

#4. You Are Missing Some Or All Of Your Short Term Memory

Hey, maybe you’re not a sycophantic right-wing ideologue. Maybe you just have no recollection of who Mitt Romney is and the name sounds like some kindly elfish creature who gives you bits of sage advice after you put a quarter into the slot on his back. We suppose if you genuinely have no clue what a useless oligarch Romney is you might perk your ears up when he starts talking about things.

#3. You Are In The One Percent

If you’ve ever rubbed elbows with Mitt while playing the back nine at an exclusive rich-guys-only  country club, then I would imagine you probably feel that Mitt’s got something to say worth listening to. After all, it was his fellow plutocrats that Romney was running to represent, so it would only make sense that they’d all still hang on every word he says. Then again, those types tend to want to hang around with winners, not privileged assholes who’ve lost nearly every election they’ve entered. Just sayin’.

#2. You Have A  “Stupid Things Republicans Say” Tumblr

Or maybe you run a political humor, satire and commentary site and you know every time the ivory tower livin’ bastard opens his mouth it’s comedy gold..

#1.  You’re Mitt Romney

Let’s just be brutally honest here, shall we? Mitt Romney won the nomination last year because he was the least freakishly insane out of the candidates left in the field once Jon Huntsman dropped out, and even he was a train wreck. Remember when he tried to get a grunge rock reference into one of the million or so primary debates the GOP held last year?

The truth is that no matter who the Republicans ran up against Obama, as long as their campaign relied heavily on outdated turnout models, campaign rhetoric that was just taking Obama’s record and twisting it, taking Obama’s words and quoting them out of context, and generally just pumping red meat lies into their base — they were going to lose and lose embarrassingly so. The 2012 election proved the existence of the Conservative Feedback Loop, where no undistorted truth can penetrate the dome of lunacy. The only one who cares at this point what Mitt thinks is Mitt, because all along that’s all anyone cared about too. That’s why Paul Ryan was his nominee — Romney was never going to be the guy setting policy and everyone knew it.

 

5 Bigger Assholes Than Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK)

By
James Schlarmann
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Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) is an asshole. Note the use of italicized text there to emphasize just how much of an asshole Coburn is. He goes beyond the pale of regular assholes. He even exceeds the boundaries of your average asshole in Congress. No, Coburn is an asshole the likes of which is hardly ever seen. He’s that elusive breed of asshole that is not only an asshole, but a proud, stubborn, declarative asshole.

Coburn has demanded that before his constituents that were impacted by the tornado get money from FEMA there have to be offsets found in the Federal budget to pay for every cent given to victim. He’s even gone so far as to say that most of the damage from the tornado came to properties that were insured, so let’s just make all these people who have lost their homes and everything they owned wait a few months or a couple years to get money they need to rebuild, rather than help them survive and cope now?

Basically, Coburn is one of those special folks that doesn’t feel it’s the Federal Government’s job to help anyone, especially not if they’re the victims of something completely outside their control like hurricanes, earthquakes, monsoons or apparently even tornadoes. Oh, but if you’re a corporation who feels “wronged” by having to actually pay taxes, he’s got your back, don’t worry about that. I mean sure, FEMA money is there specifically for these situations, and sure that money would really help people in Moore, OK put their lives back in order, or at the very least some shelter and food. But hey, you commie jerk, taxes are bad and evil and we just can’t have Americans paying taxes to help one another in times of extreme need, right?

Funnily enough, we actually found five people who are bigger assholes than Tom Coburn, and here they are.

#5. The People Who Keep Green-Lighting “Scary Movie” Sequels

Coburn may seem dispassionate and cruel in implying victims of natural disasters don’t need any help from their government, but is he any worse than the people who keep giving us shitty sequels to shitty spoof comedies like “Scary Movie 12?”  Actually, yes, he is worse than those people. Okay, so let’s try Number Four.

#4.  People Who Have 25 Items In The Express Lane At The Grocery Store

Ugh! These people are the worst, aren’t they? All you’re trying to do is buy your condoms, French bread and nail clippers, and the lady in front of you has way more than ten items in her cart, and she just keeps piling them on the conveyor! You just want to scream at her don’t you? She’s definitely got to be a bigger asshole than Tom Coburn right?

Wrong. Coburn’s still a sociopath with a Congressional expense account. That lady’s just a grade-A douche horn.

#3. People With Tattoos in Languages They Don’t Understand Even A Little Bit

You’ve all seen them. The girl in her twenties with five Chinese symbols on her arm, and she swears they mean “Peace, Love, Harmony, Joy, Alive!” However, she picked them from a webpage for Chinese symbol tattoos, knows no Chinese people to confirm their veracity and now she actually has “Soil, Flatulence, Petty Argument, Serpent, Snapple” permanently etched on her arm in a language she has no grasp of.

Wait. Those people are just sad and pathetic. Even they would want people whose lives were just shattered by a tornado to get back on their feet as soon as possible.

#2. Those People Who Think They Score Points In A Political Discussion By Pointing Out the U.S. Is Not A Democracy

We’re quite sure you’ve encountered this nit-picky A-Holes before. You say something casually like, “That’s not what our democracy is supposed to be about.” And then in come the wagging fingers and the admonishments about “representative republics” and all that happy horse shit. All the while everyone knows what your point was. You know what though? Even those jerkoffs aren’t nearly as bad as Coburn. So that just leaves us with the last slot…

#1. Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK)

The other Republican Senator from Oklahoma may not actually be a bigger asshole than Coburn himself, but we’re willing to go out on a limb and say he’s at least every bit as much the asshole. Why? He agrees with Senator Coburn, that’s why. When you are so sycophantic about your ideological crusade against government spending that you’d be willing to piss all over people in your own state that were just devastated by a tornado, you’re an asshole. Oklahoma’s just lucky we guess to have twice the asshole quotient. Word is they save money by sharing a brain.

5 Other Things About Hispanics That Jason Richwine Tried To Get Into the Heritage Foundation Report on Immigration

By
James Schlarmann
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Well, we all saw this one coming didn’t we? It looks like some conservatives didn’t get the memo after 2012, despite the demographics showing a need for immediate and lasting change in their platform and rhetoric.

After The Heritage Foundation’s extremely controversial report on immigration was exposed as having been co-written by Jason Richwine, an outright racist, and now that racist has tendered his racist resignation. It turns out you can’t have the racist opinion that Hispanics are inherently less intelligent than white folk and not get your shit called out loudly and publicly anymore.

We here at The Chute are a little saddened by Richwine’s departure from the Heritage Foundation. Oh, not because we agree with his idiotic and racist ideas, but because some of his best racist notions about Hispanics didn’t make it into the actual report. Here now are five things that The Political Garbage Chute has exclusive knowledge of Richwine wanting to include in the Heritage report on immigration, but were left out because he ran out of toner in his printer.

#5. It Takes Hispanics Longer To Say Words With Lots of “R”s In Them

Latinos and Hispanics tend to “roll” their “r” sounds when speaking in their native tongue. The extra time it takes to pronounce that syllable is time wasted by the other person in the conversation. Imagine if a Latino person is standing in line at a grocery store and needs to ask for a pack of Rolos or some Rembrandt tooth paste? They’d hold up everyone else behind them by at least a couple milliseconds, thereby throwing off everyone’s day by those few milliseconds, and the fiscal impact of those rolled “r” sounds has been estimated by Richwine to cost Americans approximately $234 billion a year.

#4. The Death of the Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Average Americans like their melted cheese food products to be bread based. Two slices of bread framing melted AMERICAN (fuck yeah!) cheese is a God given right bestowed upon us by our Founders. However, Latinos and Hispanics have their own version of metled cheesey goodness, and they call it a “quesadilla.” Say goodbye to two slices of bread and hello to one single tortilla. See? Already we’re giving up something if we let them come in — they’re costing us all those slices of breat that will no longer be necessary once their pervasive quesadilla takes root and forces all the God fearing grilled cheese eaters out into the cold.

#3. Hispanic People Don’t Believe In God

As far as Richwine’s research could produce, there was no evidence that any Hispanic person believe in a God at all. Despite rampant rumors of there being a very strong Catholic contingent among them, all Richwine’s study could produce is the fact that they pray to something called “DIOS” which he was fairly certain is the new Apple operating system shipping on their new iPad Minis.

#2. Hispanic People Actually Like The Twilight Films

Citing absolutely no scientific evidence to back his claim up, Richwine wanted to put into the study his assertion that Hispanic people and Latinos can’t be trusted because of how much they love the “Twilight” movies. Richwine is convinced that. Why? We don’t really know.

#1. The Spanish Language Is Secret Al Qaeda Code

Richwine was fairly certain he’d proved a link between Al Qaeda and every single immigrant of Latino or Hispanic descent. His exact methodology was a little complicated, but let me see if I can describe it a little for you. First, he’d buy some crack cocaine. Next, Richwine would smoke that crack cocaine. Finally, he’d turn on his laptop and start typing whatever popped into his crack-addled brain about Latino people, like you know, they have lower IQs and stuff, and the last step is to email his racist tripe to the idiots at the Heritage Foundation for inclusion in their transparently political bullshit extravaganza of a report.

8 Reasons Why Ted Cruz NEEDS To Run For President In 2016

By
James Schlarmann
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I woke up this morning to a headline that I just couldn’t believe. The Universe was smiling down on me. I felt like I’d rolled out of bed right into a giant pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and Elvis Costello was there with me, singing “Welcome to the Working Week.” I was giddy and beside myself. If the rumors are true, life is going to be very, very awesome in 2015.  The headline in question?

Ted Cruz 2016? Freshman GOP Senator Eyeing Presidential Run: Report

The National Review is reporting that the Senate’s newest and douchiest douche, Ted Cruz of Texas, is actually considering a 2016 presidential run. Anyone who’s watched even a microsecond of this pedantic asshole’s political theatrics knows he’s full of himself. He revels in attention, and he clearly gets off on being the most talked-about guy in the room, even if what’s being said is, “Fuck that guy!” Now though, we can see just how full of pride in his own smug face he is, because with barely a quarter of a year as a Senator under his belt, he’s eyeing a run at the Oval Office in 2016.

There are probably thousands if not millions of Americans who will be disgusted by the notion of Ted Cruz running for president. But I cannot wait to write hundreds and hundreds of jokes about this noodle in suit, this empty-headed clown who only wound-up in the Senate because he’s the reddest of red state morons in probably the reddest state (for now). Maybe you’re still not convinced, so here are 8 Reasons Why Ted Cruz NEEDS To Run for President in 2016.

#8.  Can Birthers Grasp The Concept of Irony (Or Spell It?)

Cruz was born in Canada, but his father was from Cuba and his mother was from the United States. By law, Cruz is most certainly an American thanks to his mother’s status. However, it’s not at all clear that he’d be considered a “natural-born” American citizen, which is what the Constitution requires of any potential president. How beautiful would it be to file a legitimate lawsuit seeking and injunction to stop Cruz’s inclusion on the ballot because he wasn’t born in the United States. In other words, I cannot wait to utter the phrase, “Where’s the long-form birth certificate, Senator Cruz?”

#7. Sarah-Michele Bach-Palin

In both 2008 and 2012 we had candidates on the national stage that were the equivalent of a big ol’ double-bacon, quadruple patty cheeseburger with a side of gravy. Sarah Palin in 2008 and Michele Bachmann in 2012 represented the Tea Party perfectly. No clue about foreign policy, a sociopath’s cream dream of a domestic policy, and a massive dollop of bat shit crazy on top. By 2016 though, both Palin and Bachmann will be yesterday’s dumbasses, so a fresh dumbass will be needed. Enter: Ted Cruz.

#6. Hey, What’s the Worst That Could Happen By Electing a Right-Wing Ideologue from Texas?

If George W. Bush taught us anything, it’s that everything is bigger in Texas. Apparently that also applies to “lying about weapons of mass destruction,” “war mongering,” and “destroying our economy with idiotic tax breaks for the super rich.” Cruz could just be a continuation of our rich American tradition of electing right-wing morons from the Lonestar State.

#5. It’s the Quickest Way To End His Career in American Politics

Make no mistake, Cruz has no chance in Hell of winning. That’s not why we want him to run, obviously. We want him to run because nothing stops your upward trajectory quite like an embarrassing presidential campaign — and Teddy’s would most assuredly be that, embarrassing. It’s one thing to run a rhetoric-fueled Senate campaign playing to your most rabid of base voters, but it’s a wholly different thing running on a national stage. Under the harsh lights of reality, Cruz will look like the partisan hack extremist he is, and therefore even if he’s able to slink off and sit in his Senate seat for the rest of his life, his influence and power will be reduced to doing local radio shows for whatever right-wing media outlet will have him.

#4. Texas Could Be Purple By 2016

The fact of the matter is that the immigration population — you know; the group of people that Republicans have tried so hard for decades to alienate — they are helping to drive the Hispanic/Latino population numbers up, up, up in Texas. If Republicans think by then that they’ll have made that much an in-roads with the Latino voters, they’re crazy. You don’t reverse thirty or more years of animus with one bipartisan immigration bill. Not that he’d get it, but assuming Cruz took the nomination, he could conceivably lose Texas if the state’s party balance has tipped enough. And how great would it be to see a Texas Republican lose Texas?

#3. It’ll Be Another Tea Party Embarrassment 

The Tea Party can’t win a big election, and everyone knows it. That’s because even within the Republican Party they are viewed as extreme obstructionists who have no real concept of how to govern. They are only interested in shrinking the size of government, no matter how much damage they do to millions and millions of people’s lives. Everyone not actually in The Tea Party can see right through them though, and by 2016 they’ll have had another couple years to impress on everyone just how unhealthy their political ideology is for growth and prosperity. Cruz will be chewed-up and discarded within a couple months of the primaries starting.

#2. It’ll Be Awesome Watching His Chickens Come Home To Roost

All Cruz has done since he’s come to Washington is to irritate everyone. Sure, he’s reveling in his role of agitator now, but how does he expect to to garner support from anyone who can help bridge the gap between far-right zealot and mainstream, moderate Republican? He’ll tell you right now in 2013 he doesn’t need to be a moderate, but as Mitt Romney found out in 2012, you can’t run for a couple years as an extremist and then stop and turn on a dime, not in the age of the Internet. Every idiotic and pedantic tirade Cruz makes, every stupid conspiracy theory he floats in the press and on the Senate floor or in committee hearings will become fodder for his opponents’ campaign ads. And don’t think his Republican rivals will be above hitting him with the extremist card either. It’ll be a glorious bloodbath.

#1. Watching Douchebags Fail and Flail Is The Best Part of American Politics

Okay, that’s not really true at all. The best thing about American politics is when it actually works. When we come together and get stuff done, that’s the awesome stuff right there. That being said, a good train wreck is always entertaining. Will Cruz tell everyone he can see Mexico from his backyard and therefore he’s an expert on foreign relations? Will he claim that being born in Canada exposed him to the evils of socialized medicine? Who knows? All we do know is that he will say some certifiably idiotic and untrue things, and we’ll be right there to cal him on it, every step of the way.

So from all of us here at The Political Garbage Chute: GOOD LUCK SENATOR TED CRUZ!

 

5 “Facts” The George W. Bush Library Will Lay Out

By
James Schlarmann
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I’ll say one thing for George W. Bush — he’s got balls the size of someone’s balls that has incredibly large balls. Dude acts like he had absolutely no involvement in the worst foreign policy blunder in our nation’s history. Either that or his calendar is a little off and he wanted to pull an April Fools Day prank on everyone. The George W. Bush Library — its name alone a suspected trolling of us all — will be opening soon and in speaking about what the library will be for, Dubya said that it’ll be “a place to lay out facts.”

When I read that quote I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Apparently Bush wants a place to permanently enshrine his administration’s version of the two wars he started and paid for on our nation’s credit. The George W. Bush Library needs a name change if so, perhaps something more along the lines of “The Right-Wing Neocon Propaganda Bullshit Warehouse and Dildo Factory.” Why the dildos? Because if anyone knows about fucking the American people, it’s George W. Bush.

But all this talk of “facts” being “laid out? a the GWB Library got me to thinking. Besides the facts/totally made up bullshit lies about the Iraq War, what other facts can the library lay out for the American people? Here’s what I came up with.

#5. Dick Cheney’s Favorite Potato Chip Is “X-Treme Warmongering Cool Ranch Doritos”

Honestly, I am dying to get inside the GWB Library so I can experience firsthand how much smoke and how many mirrors they decided to put up around Cheney. If ever there was a man deserving of eternal scorn and damnation, it’s the vile and disgusting war profiteer Dick Cheney. It would be one thing of all the Bush Administration’s key actors showed the same kind of humility and humanity that Colin Powell has. Sure, Powell is just as culpable for selling the Iraq War of Lies to the American people, but at least in the subsequent years, he has said numerous times he knows now they were wrong. But as for Bush, Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and Condie Rice? They just get to keep making platitudes about “information available at the time” or “we liberated the Iraqi people.” Amazing, isn’t it?

#4. Paul Wolfowitz Is An Asexual Alien From Another Planet

Quite honestly I don’t have anything intellectually stunning to say about this reedy fuck. From everything we know now, Wolfowitz was one of the key players in carrying over Daddy Bush’s vendetta against Saddam Hussein into Junior Bush’s presidency. Wolfowitz was instrumental in keeping Bush focused on the non-existent Iraq angle in connection to 9/11. Wolfowitz and Cheney were the most steadfast and stubborn war hawks in the upper echelons. Both men saw no problem using the youth of this country, many of whom were of my generation, as human capital with which to spawn billions in revenue. So I have no idea if  Wolfowitz is asexual, but he’s clearly an alien from the planet Misanthropy.

#3. “George” Is Actually Just Sacha Baron Cohen’s Hilarious Character “The Worst Fucking President Of All Time”

We all loved “Borat,” and I’m thinking that someone so viciously unaware of what a failure his presidency was simply cannot be real. For all the right-wing’s demagoguery of Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, the proof of their lies is in the fact that in the years since they’ve left office, both men have seen their popularity soar. That’s because you can’t look back on either man’s terms in office and find a deliberate misleading of the American people in the pursuit of war profits. Sure, Clinton lied. About a blowjob. This was after months and years of ugly accusations of being a party to murder, a secret Communist, etc. But no one can think Dubya’s presidency will be remembered as anything but a black mark on our country’s history. What very little good that came out of the eight years of GWB’s reign is completely overshadowed by the thousands of lives lost and trillions of dollars spent in vain.

#2. The Iraq War Was All Just One of Bob Newheart’s Dreams

Wishful thinking here…nothing more.

 #1. George W. Bush Really Was The Worst President Ever, For Reals Though

I know, I know. A liberal writer calling Dubya the worst president ever is nothing new. The evidence backs it up though. He came into office with a massive budget surplus and proceeded to dismantle it with massive tax cuts that weren’t reversed when the economy started to droop after a decade of expensive wars that were unpaid for. The Bush Administration traipsed all over the globe, spoiling for a fight like a drunk in a bar at 2am on a Wednesday night. They’re the ones who soured relations with North Korea again by calling them part of “The Axis of Evil.” They’re the ones who pushed the country into war with Iraq and distracted us from our work in Afghanistan. How much sooner could we have found Bin Laden if we weren’t fighting a second and wholly unnecessary war?

I fully intend to visit the GWB Library one day. I’d think of it like visiting Disneyland for Dummies, or like watching Fox News in a virtual reality helmet. But clearly whatever “facts” this wretched place puts on display won’t be anything of the kind. Instead, it’ll just be a shrine to the lies and false narratives that the Bush Administration clings to, and nothing more.

5 Problems Whose Solutions Are Also “America!”

By
James Schlarmann
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Attention scientists, inventors and innovators: STOP!

Marco Rubio says you’re no longer needed. At CPAC 2013 during his speech, the Republicans Senator from Florida told the gathered mass of conservatives there to hear him and the other “All-Stars” of the right, “We don’t need a new idea. There is an idea: the idea is called America, and it still works.” Sure, on the face of it, that rhetoric is the exact kind of vague, nationalistic, meaningless tripe that conservatives have been passing as actual political policy for decades. Sure, you could say it’s proof the GOP has no intention of learning from its ass-kicking last year.

But what if Marco Rubio’s right? We here at The Chute found a few more problems whose solution is the surprisingly simplistic, “America!” and here they are.

#5. 1+ 1 =?

In public schools (read: Liberal Indoctrination Centers), they teach “math.” But that’s part of the problem America faces. Or at least that’s the problem Republicans face when trying to convince people that the math in their economic plans adds up (it doesn’t). We all know the real answer to this most simple of math equations is, “AMERICA!” And that’s the answer to every math equation ever. “Two trains leave Portland, one at 80 mph, the other at 90 mph, who gets to Los Angeles first?”

Answer?

THE TRAIN THAT’S IN AMERICA, YOU DUMB LIBERAL! Oh, Portland’s in America? FUCK YOU HIPPIE! I DON’T NEED A MAP!

#4. Global Warming/Climate Change

This is in no way an admission that the climate is changing and/or that mankind has anything to do with it, but hypothetically if there was some kind of global climate change going on that we have documented evidence of, then we all know how to fix it. A heaping helping of the greatest country Jesus ever spoke about, AMERICA! That’s right, all we have to do is send up one of our America Candles up into the air with a big ol’ clod good ol’ fashioned Texan dirt mixed with the blood of twenty, God-fearing patriots, and the holes in the Ozone will close, global temps will stabilize, and all extinct species will again roam the Earth.  All thanks to AMERICA. You’re obviously very welcome.

#3. Death

Mortality’s a drag. Whether you believe in God and Heaven (YAY YOU!) or not (BOO SATAN!), no one really wants to die, at least not while there’s still “Top Chef” and full-frontal nudity to enjoy here in the realm of the living. But believe it or not, there’s already a cure for death, and that cure is called AMERICA! Think about it, what do you think of when you think of death? America? What, are you crazy? Oh, yeah. Wars.

#2. That WTF-Tastic “Seinfeld” Series Finale

For nine seasons Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and George entertained us with both biting wit and super-silly fluff comedy. “Senfeld” was a great show for a long time. And then they shot and aired their last episode. It was so terrible, so hackneyed, that it nearly destroyed nine years of prior work. I’m not even sure if this is possible, but why can’t we use some AMERICA on the problem and just wipe the last episode from existence?

#1. World Hunger/AIDS/Cancer/Housing Shortage/Everything

In all seriousness, why can’t America solve more of the world’s problems? We remain to this day the most rich and powerful nation in the world, even with our supposed debt crisis that Paul Ryan and John Boehner are now admitting isn’t really a debt crisis. We spend more than the next thirteen countries combined on our defense budget. That’s a lot of money for bullets, guns, bombs, and jet fighters (some of which apparently are having a hard time actually getting off the ground). Imagine if we decided to use that considerable economic force to really work to solve actual problems in the real world. Perhaps if we’d done that all along in places like the Middle East,  instead of overthrowing leaders we didn’t like and installing puppet dictators in their place, there wouldn’t be quite so much hostility towards AMERICA. But who need humanity when you can just bomb the fuck out of anyone who gets in your way instead?

 

Two Titans of Titanic Stupidity

By
James Schlarmann
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Karl Rove versus Sarah Palin…every comedic writer’s wet dream. And what makes this showdown even more delicious is that they are both right. I mean not about their ideological points of view. Oh, they’re definitely not right about anything of substance, not at all. But in terms of this feud — and more specifically the barbs they traded — they both landed solid, truthful blows on one another. Two titans of titanic stupidity locking horns, both of them the exact right poison their party needs to take in order to put themselves out of their misery once and for all.

Which means with our luck, they’ll both be ignored.

I’m not exactly sure when relations between Palin and Rove turned icy. Perhaps it was in 2008 when Rove like every other Republican watched Palin bumble and stumble her way through the most embarrassing campaign ever. Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper she read, insisted that just living in Alaska made her an expert in foreign relations, and appeared lost and confused in high-profile interviews. The Alaskan lightweight was most assuredly a big reason that John “When’s Roy Rogers Going To Record More Music?” McCain lost his bid for the presidency. Therefore it’s undoubtedly shocking that she’d be invited to CPAC — Conseravativealooza to you and me — this year. She’s kryptonite for them in the worst way, but they just can’t stay away from her.

The resigned governor delivered her speech to the conclave of conservatives on Saturday and took a dig at Rove. Well, I think you can’t really call it a dig, because Palin’s speech reads like a rambling, drunken, incoherent rah-rah speech you give your friends at the end of a heavy night of debauchery. I admit I didn’t watch the speech, but then I only have so much room in my brain for aimless political drivel that doesn’t even read like complete sentences.

To wit, here’s the shot Palin took at Rove. “If these experts who keep losing elections and keep getting rehired and getting millions — if they feel that strong [sic] about who gets to run in this party, then they should buck-up or stay in the truck. Buck up or run. The Architect can head on back to the great Lone Star State and put their name on some ballot –- though for their sakes [sic], I hope they give themselves a discount on their consulting services.”

What the Queen of Republican Vapidity was getting at is Rove’s complete and utter failure in the 2012 election. He took in millions from campaign donors, promising a return to victory like what he’d delivered for Dubya and the gang. But instead what we were treated to was an election night meltdown that really should have given Karl pause. His insistence that Fox News hold out on calling Ohio — based presumably on some hunch he was feeling — really ought to be the nail in his political consultancy’s coffin.

“If these experts who keep losing elections and keep getting rehired and getting millions — if they feel that strong [sic] about who gets to run in this party, then they should buck-up or stay in the truck,” Palin told CPAC Saturday, referring to Rove. “Buck up or run. The Architect can head on back to the great Lone Star State and put their name on some ballot –- though for their sakes, I hope they give themselves a discount on their consulting services.”

So we have two human beings who really ought to know better making grand statements about the other being the bigger asshole. Meanwhile, the country thinks they’re both assholes and most people don’t care what either Sarah Palin or Karl Rove think about anything. I do have to give Rove credit for his retort though. Speaking on Fox News this Sunday, Rove responded to Palin’s advice that he try running for office instead of choosing candidates to run. Rove joked that being fat and bald he’s not an ideal candidate, but that if he ran and actually won an election, “would serve out my term and I wouldn’t leave office midterm.” That was a pretty decent jab at the fact that the one elected position that Palin has actually held she gave up less than half-way through.

What Rove and Palin’s clash demonstrates is that the GOP is in no position to recover from their tailspin of 2012. Both of them are nothing more than media whores at this point, trying to capitalize on former fame or success, though with Palin it’s fame without any real measurable success…other than being famous. In Rove’s case he’s a has-been who helped dismantle the Republican Party’s reputation for fiscal responsibility by helping secure eight years in office for the freely spending Bush Administration. The GOP’s survival depends on its ability to shun both Palin and Rove; neither represent a path forward for the party. But then again, not much that the Republicans have been doing would give anyone any indication that they even want to move forward.

Seeing the internal dysfunction within the Republican Party should give the rest of us our clearest insight yet into why President Obama has had such a hard time working with the House Republicans. They’re a party lost right now. The world is moving on without them. Marriage equality is a foregone conclusion, as at the very least removing marijuana from the list of drugs included in our insipid War on Drugs, and true single-payer health care isn’t that distant a dream either.  Whether the Boomers or their children  — the generation to which I belong — accomplish just these goals is the only real question. But regardless, these three unavoidable milestones are in America’s future, and what the GOP has to ask itself is just how far onto the wrong side of history do they want to be.

5 Other Patriotic Things Donald Trump Could Pay For

By
James Schlarmann
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In response to some prodding from Newt Gingrich via Twitter — wait. So political has-beens and has-been has-beens are are going to be fondling each other over tweets now? 140-characters of pure “who gives a fuck” delivered right to your Twitter stream. Anyway, Newt’s tweet was a cute little reference to the White House canceling their tours. Apparently this is something conservatives feel is akin to slapping the Statue of Liberty in the ass with a fish and insulting her mother.

Trump jokingly — and really I mean “douch-ally replied” — that he’d not heard this yet (sure Donald, this wasn’t a planned stunt at all) but was delighted and said he was willing to do it. Word came down from the Obama camp though, that The Donald’s services would not be required, so here are five other patriotic things The Trump could spend his money sponsoring.

#5. A Cone Of Silence For Michele Bachmann

If you were looking for a sign that the Republicans were going to stubbornly ignore the results of the 2012 election season, you’d have to look no further than Rep. Bachmann. In the very first order of business for the 113th Congress, she introduced a bill to repeal Obamacare…symbolically…for the 34th time. Bachmann is the walking embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the GOP and with Congress in general. She’s made idiotic comment after idiotic comment, and when on on McCarthy-like crusade against a long-time aide of Former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton because she happened to have Islamic family. Bachmann is a Tea Party fool and if Donald Trump wanted to do the world a favor, he’d pay whatever it took to have a permanent cone of silence installed over her head, following her where ever she pops up next, like a fundamentalist gopher, digging holes in our country’s infrastructure and social safety net.

#4. Clone Ayn Rand

It seems like all the rage these days is for Republicans to hero-worship Ayn Rand — the political powerhouse who teaches young conservative men to hate the poor and love the rich. Rand’s book, “Atlas Shrugged,” is a policy bible for the likes of Rand Paul (whose crazy, racist father Ron named after the author) and Paul Ryan. For the rest of us, Rand and her work are the building blocks of a sociopath’s disregard for those who are less fortunate. If you want to know where “makers” and “takers” comes from, it’s the love of Rand. So maybe Trump should just do his conservative pals a favor, find a tea cup or a fork she used, scrape some DNA off of it, rush it to some lab somewhere and have her cloned. Imagine the favors he’ll be able to call in after hand-delivering their messiah to the Tea Partiers in Congress!

#3. Re-paint the Rotunda In Sparkly Paint

Why not? Things have been so down and dreary in Washington for at least the last four years. So in the spirit of Spring and renewal, let’s have Donald slap a fresh coat of super sparkly paint over the rotunda dome. I’m thinking bright lavender and gold. Or perhaps candy apple red? Better yet! Let’s have it painted in gorgeous red, white and blue sparkly paint. And maybe he can install fireworks cannons on the top that shoot off special shells that when they explode they spell out “America Is Better Than Every Other Country, So Fuck You Other Countries!” every fifteen minutes.

#2. The Ronald Reagan Memorial

Don’t you think St. Reagan’s been dead long enough without some kind of fitting tribute in Wasington, D.C.? Frankly, we should probably just tear down that pointy dildo shaped one — whoever it is that’s supposed to memorialize — and put up another dildo shaped monument, but this time with the head of Ronald Reagan at the tip. Because that’s what he did to our country’s economic tenets. He fucked them. With a smile on his face, he fucked us. Trump is the perfect person to pay for that monument, too, considering he’s reaped the benefits of 30-plus years of economic policy bent and shaped in his favor. Time for him to pay it forward by erecting a massive stone dildo with Ronald Reagan’s head on top. Duh.

#1. One Way Ticket To Anywhere Without Internet or Phone Service…Or A Way To Get Home

In all reality, this is the option we think that would most help the country — if Donald Trump just packed up and left. He’s not providing anything useful to society. Sure, his companies employ probably hundreds of people. But can we honestly say those peoples’ lives won’t be better off if their boss is on an extended vacation? He’s become a Birther, to boot. He used to be reliable for a decent funny sound byte every now and again, but all this sad, orange faced, tribble-haired asshole can do now is just spout useless lies about Obama’s place of birth and demagogue Democratic fiscal policies — despite their proven track record of success.

 

5 People Who Should Be Considered For The Next Pope

By
James Schlarmann
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It’s everyone’s favorite time of year: NEW POPE TIME!

That’s right, it’s time for one of the world’s longest standing religious organizations to pick a new supreme leader. So who should the cardinals meeting in the Vatican pick as the retiring pope’s successor? You may not think so, but The Political Garbage Chute is the best place to find answers. We’d like to nominate any one, if not all five, of these lovely, lovely people.

#5. Rick Santorum

Talk about killing two birds with one stone. We all know that what Santorum really wants is to be able to tell adults what they can or can’t do with their genitalia. Sure, he ran for the presidency in 2012. But something tells me that being the Leader of the Free World wouldn’t be enough power for Rick. He’s got to be able to be the arbiter of what’s sin and what’s in. He’s got to be able to condemn people to Hell for exercising their sexuality. And no other position would give him that power except the papacy. Well, technically if he sat at the right hand of God he might get the same thing done, but even Santorum isn’t that bold.

But that’s a good back-up position should he not be named the next pope.

#4. Mitt Romney

He’s already spent a considerable time in the Mormon church as one of its elders, so holding court as the Pope wouldn’t be too far a stretch. Mitt’s also got plenty of experience shielding shit-tons of money from the prying eyes of the tax man. The only people who hide more money from the government are churches. Plus, just imagine how rich the Vatican will be when Mitt gets to outsource all the Holy Water production to China! And boy, if there’s anyone who can hide something from the prying eyes of the press, it’s Mitt Romney. He managed to keep his tax returns secret despite repeated requests from the media, his opponents, and even his own party members. So hiding a few pedophile priests shouldn’t be too hard for ol’ Mittens.

#3. Sarah Palin

I just want her gone. Every time someone says, “If we just ignore her she’ll go away,” the very next day she’s in the presses. The fact is that as much as most Americans may want and need her to be gone from the national political stage, she’s not going anywhere. She’s not going anywhere because conservatives keep bringing her into the mix. Fox News actually had the smarts to cut her loose, and then seemingly the next day she was announced to appear at CPAC, the conservative Woodstock that’s held every year (Don’t eat the brown M&M’s, man).

Sure, the chances of a female becoming the next pope are nil. Sure, even people who genuinely believe that a virgin could conceive, carry and birth a child won’t believe that Palin is smart enough to run a newspaper stand, much less their entire church. But at least Sarah wouldn’t be bringing down the average IQ stateside anymore. And isn’t that enough for anyone to feel good about their lives?

#2. Donald Trump

He already thinks he’s the closest thing to God on the planet, and if he became the new pope at least that ugly, dead, decaying fucking fox on his head would get covered up by a big hat. It’s a win-win. Maybe there’s some risk in putting Donald Trump in charge of your brand. After all, the man has bankrupted his own companies four times. But if there’s any organization that could use a little bankrupting, maybe it’s the one that has systematically hidden child abusers for decades, so let the good times roll, eh Donny?

#1. Anybody Who Will Stop Hiding Child Molesters

In case you couldn’t tell by now, I’m not really stoked on the fact the Catholic Church has been a well-documented shelter for those who perpetrate acts of sexual abuse on children. Now, I used to think that hurting kids was the worst thing one could do. But apparently not. Apparently in the world we live in today if you have enough money and are a group that is supposedly “doing God’s work” on Earth, you have carte blanche to do whatever-the-fuck-you-want.

I’m not saying that call Catholics all over the planet are equally culpable for the crimes committed in their houses of worship. I’m not saying that every single member of the Catholic faith should serve jail time for the atrocities committed by their priests, cardinals and deacons. I am suggesting that the time has come to stop being complicit. The time has come to stop tacitly approving of hiding sexual abusers from the authorities. But perhaps instead I should just close with a question.

If the Catholic church had been covering up murders instead of sexual abuse for decades, do you think ANYONE would be talking about who they choose as their new pope?

5 Things Paul Ryan Loves About Medicare

By
James Schlarmann
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ryan_misanthropeNext week some time Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) will unveil his new budget. Ryan — the widow’s peaked Eddie Munster lookalike — rose to prominence in the Republican Party by becoming their go-to budget guy. Never mind that outside conservative circles no one has ever done anything but laugh or recoil in horror at Ryan’s budget, he’s their guy. As part of his budget, Paul’s apparently got his old boner back for Medicare, and he’s thinking of proposing some controversial changes, like setting the age at which changes will impact you at 57 and older instead of 55 and older as Republicans have said in the past they prefer to keep things.

What is it about Medicare that makes Ryan want to cut it so badly? Does he really hate it that much? We here at The Political Garbage Chute think he actually secretly loves Medicare, and here are five reasons why he does.

#5. It Makes Him Sound Like He Cares

It takes a certain kind of person to be an adult and actually model your political philosophy from the fictional writings of Ayn Rand. We call those people sociopaths. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but what else do you call someone whose dominant policy motivations essentially boil down to “every man for himself?” But Paul really likes “Medicare” because outside of when he says it, the word “care” never slips out from his roided-out totally legitimately acquired lips, thereby making him seem about 2% more humanoid than he actually is.

#4. It’s One Of the Most Successful Government Programs Ever

Fooled you! Of course Paul Ryan doesn’t love the fact that despite being stretched much farther than it was originally conceived it would go, Medicare has been a resounding success. Decades of recipients, decades of treatment, decades of medicine delivered to the elderly and poor and not a single reduction in benefits. Yes, it’s being pushed pretty hard right now, and yes, we need to ensure its continued solvency because it is to this date the best chance we have at universal health coverage one day. But none of that matters to Paul Ryan, because to Paul Ryan Medicare is just more wasted government spending — no matter how many people it helps — and imagine how much less we’d have to tax Paul’s uber-rich pals if we weren’t paying for all that medicine for those jerks that are sick and poor or old!

#3. Medicare Part D

Medicare Part D was enacted as part of the Medicare Modernization Act of 2003 and since January of 2006, the government has been legally prohibited from negotiating drug prices with Big Pharma, which has meant gobs and gobs of cash for their corporate coffers. And we all know that if there’s anything Paul likes more than cutting government programs that actually help people, it’s seeing big corporations make more money. The more money they make, the more money they give him, and the less money for the “poors” to have things like “food,” “shelter,” or “lives of quality and substance free from poverty and squallor.”

#2. Nothing

The fact is, if Ryan saw any benefit in Medicare, or more accurately what Medicare is supposed to be for, he wouldn’t be so obviously out to gut it. And make no mistake, turning Medicare into a voucher system is killing Medicare. I’m not one of those liberals who thinks that there isn’t anything we can do to Medicare to make it better, nor am I one who says we can’t even think about changing things like chained CPI. But there’s about as much mileage between those kinds of reforms and the kinds that Ryan would love to implement.

#1. He Can End It

You know, maybe there is one thing that Paul Ryan could love about Medicare…it’s a government program that hasn’t been gutted yet. I imagine to someone like Paul, Medicare looks to him like a t-bone steak looks to a guy who loves to take t-bone steaks, cut them up into a million pieces, put the pieces onto a cement slab, and then drop an atom bomb on the steak, wiping it out for all time, and thereby making it so no one can ever enjoy the benefits of that t-bone steak. Government programs are just targets to Ryan, plain and simple.

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