If I Don’t Have a Biden Flag, Biden Shoes, or Biden Bible, Am I Really Voting for Biden?

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PROF. McTERRY: And who won the election?

JAMES: Well, I don’t fuck my cousin, so I know that’s Joe Biden.

You know, I keep saying that the MAGA political movement is a cult. Largely because, well, it is. However, in dealing with the Cult of FartNaps McDuck, I invariably get told by one of its acolytes that Joe Biden is going to lose, and lose bigly in November, and one of the biggest reasons for Joe’s loss, I’m told, is that Biden supporters don’t show any of the telltale signs of true, sycophantic devotion.

Biden doesn’t hold rallies in largely blue states filled with voters who were likely going to vote for him anyway. Biden doesn’t sell shoes, NFTs, or even Bibles branded with his name, so none of us can own anything like that to show our allegiance to the man, and not the country, like MAGA does. Come to think of it, when’s the last time you saw someone with a massive “Fuck Trump” or “Go Joe” flag on the back of their Prius?

I Asked a Klansman If He’s Voting For Biden Since They’re Both Democrats. He Punched Me.

I live in a fairly red portion of a rather blue state, and I gotta say, I see way more raised F-150’s rolling coal and flying “FBJ” (because even strong alpha male free speech absolutists are a-skeered to display the word “fuck,”) and Trump flags than I do someone sporting really any kind of pro-Biden merch on their vehicles. Sure, you could say that’s just because by and large Democrats are a coalition of voters who don’t already belong to one cult — say, American Evangelical Christianity —  and aren’t just rife for the conversion into another cult, and are therefore capable of supporting politicians like normal adults do when they vote for them. But, is this an instance where common sense should take a backseat to the wishes and dreams and big, hurt feelings of 30% of the population who’s convinced their popularity isn’t at all-time, historic lows?

In this kind of situation, I seek out the advice of people who know more about a subject than I do.

Fortunately, it turns out I don’t really know a whole lot of shit, so I end up talking to experts quite a bit. In this case, I got a hold of Professor Larry McTerry, who heads up North Southern Chicago University’s political science department, and I asked him about whether it’s possible for a candidate to win if they’re not holding massive klanpaign rallies or selling branded merch to people who claim they’re too poor to afford gas and groceries.

JAMES: Professor McTerry, what do you think? Is it possible for a political candidate to have a large enough voter base to win an election, if he doesn’t demand their fealty and a healthy portion of their Social Security checks to pay for his legal fees? Can someone become president without being the leader of an inbred cult of personality, is basically what I’m asking.

PROFESSOR LARRY McTERRY: Did you see Biden doing any of those things last time, in 2020?

JAMES: Ummm. No.

PROF. McTERRY: And who won the election?

JAMES: Well, I don’t fuck my cousin, so I know that’s Joe Biden.

PROF. McTERRY: Congratulations! You just answered your own question.

Damn, Professor McTerry is good, isn’t he?


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