Nickelback Fan Can’t Tell Who’s Socially Distancing Themselves From Him During Coronavirus Quarantine

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COLD BEACH, WASHINGTON — Pat Jackson is a huge fan of the band Nickelback. He owns at least four copies of each of their albums because he says each one is a “different animal” on various formats from vinyl, to CD, to even 8-tracks he has custom made. Jackson says that if there’s a bigger fan of the band that brought the world such iconic songs as “Photograph,” he doesn’t know who they could be, but they’re probably related to the members of the band.

“I have sixteen different tattoos related to the band and their songs,” Pat told us in an interview conducted via Skype this week. “I just fucking love Nickelback, and I”m proud to bump their shit everywhere I go. I’m always listening to them. Whether it’s in the car, or in my headphones, I’ve got some sweet ‘Back pumpin’ into my lobes, know what I mean?”

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Pat owns a gas station in town and bowls on a team in a league that meets every Wednesday night. But outside the people who fill up their tanks at his station, and the other members of the Pinheads, he says he doesn’t really interact with a whole lot of people, though he doesn’t understand why that would be.

“All I do is talk about my love of Nickelback and then play their songs for everyone I talk to,” Pat explained. “It’s not like I tell racist jokes, or fart in people’s faces. I just play songs for them that were written and recorded by a band I love very much called Nickelback. So, you tell me why I don’t see people a whole lot.”

Jackson said that in the time of a nationwide urging for Americans to stay indoors and socially distance themselves from each other to try and slow the spread of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus, he hasn’t really noticed much a difference in his own day to to day interactions. Jackson isn’t sure if that means people are socially distancing themselves from him or not, he said. As an extra precaution, he’s started blaring Nickelback everywhere he goes, hoping to remind people to keep their distance, though he admits that might be “redundant.”

“I’d say roughly the same number of people interact with me now as when there isn’t a quarantine on everyone in the country,” Pat guessed. “Of course, I’ve had a few people respond to Nickelback like I’d just asked them to make out with a coronavirus patient, but I can’t really say what that might be all about, really.”

According to Pat, he’ll “get along just fine” for another few weeks if he doesn’t have much in-person contact with people. Over the years, he’s gotten used to there just not being a lot of people who want to socialize with him. However, he also has an online community of Nickelback fans he can communicate during the coronavirus quarantine, and he says discussions in those groups “get pretty entertaining.”

“All four of us really enjoy chatting it up with each other,” Pat said. “You might be surprised how many hours we can find to just talk and talk about how great the band is. Mainly because we’re the only four people on the planet who think the band is that great. But still, it’s a pretty great, thriving little enclave of less than a handful of people, so I think that’ll get me through the worst of this, I really do.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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