Results from a recently conducted DNA test indicate that four of the most popular female conservative “fire brand” commentators all likely came from the same sewage treatment plant.
According to LabTest, Inc., they recently finished testing DNA samples provided by Tomi Lahren and former White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, and confirmed that they both came from the PoopCo sewage plant in Port Washington, Idaho. LabTest spokesperson Susan McGee told reporters at a press conference that lab techs were not surprised to find out Lahren and McEnany share DNA, and weren’t even shocked to find out the same sewage treatment plant produced each of them.
However, there was an unforeseen twist in the story that McGee said took the entire LabTest team by surprise.
“We found it completely by accident. As one of our team members was transferring the data, we noticed that there was a similar test conducted nearly two decades ago,” McGee announced. “At that time, we were doing DNA sequencing on Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham.”
McGee said that what was discovered by the research team was something she personally has never seen. The data, after careful re-checking, showed that all four white supremacist Fox News contributors originated from the same Port Washington PoopCo plant. McGee explained what the data seems to suggest.
“Of course, this doesn’t mean that Coulter, Ingraham, Lahren, and McEnany are related; they’re not sisters or cousins, per se,” McGee said. “It does suggest that they are made from fecal matter that all churned up in the PoopCo plant, and that the same batch of shit that made Coulter and Ingraham was used to make Lahren and McEnany, years later. It also confirms what we’ve suspected about where their shared talking points come from.”
McGee said that she’s unsure what Fox News will do with the information she and her team provided.
“At the end of the day, all Fox News audiences seem to be interested in hearing and seeing is the same shit they’ve always wanted to see. So it’s not really off-brand for them to re-use the same shit-human hybrids to deliver that content,” McGee said. “So if the Fox audience doesn’t care about getting a slightly different version of the same diarrhea golem night after night, day after day, segment after segment, that’s probably all that will matter for now and forever.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.