Hey Libs, The DOE Has “Low Confidence” in a COVID Lab Leak, So Our Racism is Justified

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The following editorial was submitted to our editorial staff by right-wing podcaster and commentator Dustin Pewpsin. The views and opinions expressed in this piece are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not necessarily those of this outlet.

Well, well, well…lookie what we have here! It’s a report in The Wall Street Journal — an outlet every bit as unbiased and trustworthy as any news organization run by the Murdoch family — that says the Department of Energy has “low confidence” in the theory that COVID-19 originated in a Chinese lab, and that it was leaked from that lab. So, in other words, ALL OF MAGA’S RACISM AND XENOPHOBIA TOWARD ASIANS WAS JUSIFIED, BITCHES!

Once I shake the questions off about why we should take the Department of Energy’s assessment over all the other agencies and experts who say it’s highly unlikely it came from a lab, I want my apology! I want it now.

We were called “racist” and that hurt my feelings!

Now that a single federal agency has said with low confidence that COVID might have come from a Chinese lab after all, all my hilarious Asian jokes from 2020-2021 aren’t just not racist, they’re automatically hilarious. You see, my racist intent and the racist subtext of my jokes instantly become not racist when, unrelated to my racism, new facts come to light.

Of course I was hoping this lab leak theory would be confirmed because it would also justify my racism in my mind. But does that make me racist? Just because I wanted something to be true so that it was okay that I was saying racist things?

It doesn’t matter, you see, that I was looking for someone to scapegoat. It doesn’t matter that I intensely distrust and don’t like people who don’t look like me, or pray on the Bible like I do. It doesn’t matter that I gave every Asian wearing a mask that I came across the finger and shouted at them to go back to their own countries, even if they were born here! None of that makes me racist if the virus came from a lab in China! I AM EXONERATED!

But I don’t just want an apology from literally every liberal in the country.

I want Anthony Fauci in prison, and I swear to God if we have to make something a crime so we can do it, we should! Because for so long we were told it was racist for us to call it the Chinese Flu and imply that all Chinese are responsible for COVID just because it’s racist to imply an entire ethnic group is responsible for killing hundreds of thousands of people. Like I said before, the lab leak theory being confirmed with low confidence by a single government agency (that quite frankly I don’t think should exist and distrust in any other context), absolves my racism, and in a strong way justifies it. 

Checkmate, Libs.

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@jamboschlarmbo Not sure that’s how that works, Sparky. #politics #politik #satire ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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