Dave Chapelle’s Therapist Confident She’ll Send Her Kids to Ivy League Schools

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We can’t reveal her real name, but recently one of our reporters sat down with comedian Dave Chapelle’s therapist. For the purposes of reporting what she told us, we’ll call her Dr. Susie McKnowsthings.

Due to doctor/patient confidentiality laws, Dr. McKnowsthings could not reveal any specifics about what she and Mr. Chapelle have discussed, or will discuss during their therapy sessions. She also cannot tell us how long she’s been treating Chapelle.

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What she can tell us, however, is that she’s “extremely confident” her kids will attend Ivy League schools, and that she’ll have no problems paying for their tuition.

“Obviously I can’t divulge what we talk about in that room together,” Dr. McKnowsthings told us. “However, I’m not sure it would be hard to figure out what Dave’s issues are if you just watch his last few specials, culminating with ‘The Closer.’ He just pretty much put all his hang-ups, insecurities, and obsessions on display in that last one.”

Dr. McKnowsthings intimated that the public can probably guess what subjects she’s been working on with Chapelle most, if they pay close enough attention to his material.

“Let’s put it this way — I have transgender patients who talk about their transgenderness, and genitals way less than certain comedians do,” Dr. McKnowsthings hinted. “Anybody that fixated on a single topic probably has a shit-fuck-tons of things to work out with a therapist. Clinically speaking.”

Dr. McKnowsthings says she plans to let her children decide where they matriculate, but that she’ll make sure they’re aware of the opportunities they’re being afforded “thanks to one man’s deeply rooted difficulties in processing what he likes.”

“On one level, I feel sad for him that he just can’t touch a dick and enjoy it without bashing a minority group that’s already targeted all the time for violence,” Dr. McKnowsthings lamented. “On the other hand, though, my kid’s Harvard business degree is gonna be pretty, pretty sweet. So there we have it.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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