Last Week, Ted Cruz Met With Trump’s Balls for a Supreme Court Argument Strategy Sesh

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court of the United States will not hear the suit brought by the Attorney General of Texas against four swing states, and effectively that ends Trump’s attempts to steal the election in the courtroom. He’s still holding out hope for Monday’s selection of electors when then Electoral College meets, and ultimately for Republican state legislatures to subvert the will of the people, but when the Supreme Court announced last night that it would not hear the suit brought by AG Ken Paxton — himself under criminal indictment and investigation — it shut the door to Trump’s most brazenly antidemocratic efforts to stay in power.

However, that doesn’t mean that he and his allies were not prepared for a pitched court battle. To that end, Trump had enlisted the help of one his staunchest congressional allies with a truly ugly wife, at least according to both Trump and the man who said he’d argue his case before the high court. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) according to several sources close to the situation, held several, hours-long meetings with Trump’s balls in preparation for what he thought might be the most important oral argument he’s made in any court at any time.

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“The Supreme Court, simply put, really screwed up. They had a duty and obligation to placate President Trump’s ego, and failed,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told OANN today, “but in doing so they also robbed the American people of something truly special — Sen. Ted Cruz making his oral argument to the Supreme Court on behalf of President Trump. Let me tell you — there were some truly inspiring late-night strategy sessions between Senator Cruz and the president’s balls. It would have been glorious.”

McDitzydick describes Cruz’s proposed argument as “both breathtaking in its genius and its devotion to fluffing the president’s nuts.”

“I believe at one point, Senator Cruz was going to argue that because his wife is such an ugly, ugly piece of shit,” McDitzydick teased, “surely that must entitle President Trump to another six terms, at minimum. Ted Cruz is a damn legal genius, folks. It’s shame the Supreme Cucks did us so dirty.”

MORE: Outgoing President Trump Mulling One More Popular Vote Loss in 2024

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