Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Donald Trump Offers to ‘Loan Ivanka’ to Ted Cruz for His Next Campaign Video

Ted Cruz decided to pull a commercial with a former softcore porn star, but Trump could ride to his rescue.

As Their Candidate Field Narrows, GOP Worries ‘Not Enough A-Holes Left to Choose From’

Does the GOP have enough a-hole candidates left in the race?

Last Remaining Oregon Militia Squatter Ceremoniously Eats Final Chocodile

As the Oregon militia standoff comes to a close, the last remaining brave squatter carries out his final mission.

Carly Fiorina Seen Entering Planned Parenthood Seeking ‘Campaign Abortion’

Carly Fiorina ends her campaign in a most unexpected way.

After Trump Wins New Hampshire, GOP Changes Mascot From Elephant to Douche Nozzle

Trump taking New Hampshire has forced a lot of changes around the GOP.

Billionaire Searching for Regular People to Buy Off to Buy Off Bernie Sanders

Can a super-wealthy man pay off Bernie Sanders supporters so they'll in-turn pay Sanders off?

Marco Rubio Daydreams About Every American’s Sex Lives

Marco Rubio really, really cares about America's sexual morality.

Trump Supporter Can’t Wait to Hear What He Calls a Democrat

One man's support of Donald Trump rests on his continual insulting of other Republicans.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz Agree to ‘Just Get a Room’

The sexual tension between Ted Cruz and Donald Trump is heating to critical mass.

‘Bummed Out’ Rubio Finds Out AFTER Debate That Obama’s Not Running This Time

Marco Rubio finds out too late Obama's not running this time.