Sad Libertarian to Investigate Why Candidate No One Voted For is Dropping Out of Race

Published on

RED BONE, KENTUCKY — From the parking lot of a Denny’s restaurant, Ryan Kevin, owner and administrator of “Totally Biased America,” one of Facebook’s largest growing communities of right-wing leaning libertarians, posted a screen to his page’s fans telling them he was going to need their financial help pooling money to investigate what he says is a “conspiracy that goes all the to top, somewhere.”

Mr. Kevin’s post described his emotional state after hearing that Rand Paul was suspending his presidential campaign as “equal parts anger, sadness, and a strange horniness that I feel just whenever I see his face in general.” Kevin, said, however that after getting a new keyboard since his old one shorted out from “the deluge of tears” that he cried when Paul announced his campaign was over, he was launching a GoFundme to investigate what he feels is a “grossly obvious conspiracy to keep one of the least-liked candidates down.”

In the post, Kevin writes in part.

So you’re telling me that just because a candidate is so off-putting in their peevish finger wagging that no one likes him, that’s why he had to drop out? You’re telling me the person who all of us know could only be bested by his father (Hallowed be His Name) in terms of presidentiality-ness is dropping out because the intelligentsia didn’t think his radical ideas of liberty, freedom and letting you do whatever you want as long as your corporate masters allow you to are good enough for them? Bullshit. Something else is going on and like any good libertarian, I will believe this conspiracy instead of the plain, obvious truth for as long as I live.

Kevin’s post later said that “only liberals would think a candidate should drop out of if they can’t even get five percent of their party to vote for them.” He said “that’s the kind of thinking that got a very popular Democratic Socialist with ideas that the country mostly liked elected four times, and we just can’t have that.”

Later in the post Ryan explains why Rand Paul should run as independent.

Now, some people might say that I’m being stupid, suggesting that Rand run on his own. After all, in the Iowa caucus he didn’t even finish in front of Ben Carson, who has been narcoleptic the entire campaign. He seems pretty unelectable, actually. But that’s why you all are statist, government educated stooges if you believe that. Clearly the issue is just that Rand hasn’t been peevish enough in front of enough cameras. If he ran on his own, he could make a difference!

Ultimately, Kevin did find something to fault Paul for — his campaign stunts. But maybe not for the reason some would suspect.

You know, the liberal lame stream press and cultural Marxists will tell you that when Rand was out on social media taking a chainsaw to the tax code, or lubing his pud and inserting it into a liquified copy of the Constitution to show just how much he loves it, he wasn’t acting very presidentastic. But those people are idiots. What, you think it’s more mature to play golf, like Obummer? No, Rand knew that cheap stunts are how you get to the White House. His only problem? He didn’t do enough of them! I wanted to see him take a million copies of Obamacare, shred them, and then strip down naked and roll around in them, squealing like a pig.

Pundits on the Hill had predicted last week that after Monday’s caucus in Iowa, lower performing candidates would drop out. Paul joins fellow Republican Mike Huckabee and Democrat Martin O’Malley as casualties of the Iowa caucus.


Latest articles

I Asked a Klansman If He’s Voting For Biden Since They’re Both Democrats. He Punched Me.

"Man, it's really true what they say about Democrats. They're snowflakes." We all know a...

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as...

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...