Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Vladimir Putin Sent Kislyak With Shortlist of James Comey’s Replacement for President Trump

Russian President Vladimir Putin gave two of his envoys a list for his bitch, President Donald Trump, to use as candidates to replace James Comey.

Attorney General Sessions Wants to Make Pot ‘The Wetback and Negro Drug’ Again

Jeff Sessions is no fan of marijuana. Sure, he's an ancient, cookie making elf who probably should STFU, but he really hates weed.

Donald Trump, Having Just Fired James Comey, Accidentally Bit Ivanka While She Spoon-Fed Him Soup

In the critical moments after President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, he bit another hand that was feeding him.

Sean Spicer Says Obama Put a ‘Sharia Voodoo Hex’ on Trump’s Administration

Did former President Barack Obama (D-Kenya) use his dark magic to put a curse on the Trump administration? Sean Spicer thinks so.

Richard Nixon Seen Jacking Off Furiously as James Comey is Fired by Donald Trump

Richard Nixon didn't know you could just fire the FBI director like Trump just did to James Comey. That would've changed everything.

California Democrats Mull Law Allowing Texas Christians to Be Denied Adoptions

In response to an anti-LGBT adoption law being pushed through the Texas legislature, California Democrats propose their own adoption bill.

Trump Confides to First Lady He Felt Like Yates Grabbed Him By The ‘Presidential Pussy’

President Trump was tremendously displeased with how former acting Attorney General Sally Yates' testimony before the Senate went.

Doctors Rushing to Remove Sally Yates’ Foot from Ted Cruz’s Rectum

During her testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, former acting Attorney General Sally Yates rammed her foot deep inside Ted Cruz's ass.

Trump Signs Declaration Congratulating His Son Eric For Pooping In the Potty Like a Big Boy

Eric Trump may be a liability to his father, but now that he's figured out how to go to the potty like a big boy, he's a little less of one.

Leaked Memo Shows FCC Acknowledges It’s a “Cocksucking, Puritanical, Bullshit Bureaucracy”

Over at the FCC, a leaked memo shows that at least some within the communications regulation board admit they need to stop protecting the overly-sensitive.