Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

My Protest of Protests During National Anthem During the National Anthem Matters More Than Black Lives Matter

"Wasteful government spending is when you help poor families eat, not when you fly in jet planes to get fake mad at athletes protesting civil injustice."

President Trump Regrets Never Convincing Hugh Hefner to Put Ivanka in His Magazine

"I was never able to get him to put my lovely First Lady in the pages of his magazine."

Mike Pence Exited Colts Game Wrapped in American Flag and Being Consoled by Bald Eagle

"Do they have any idea what a threat to the American way of life it is for them to peacefully protest?"

Trump: Meals on Wheels Cuts Will Cover Cost of Flying Pence Around Country Making a Show of Getting Offended by Constitution

Vice President Mike Pence will continue to fly around to NFL stadiums protesting protests of the national anthem during the national anthem.

Pat Robertson Warns God Will Destroy America if Scouts Let Girls Play With Boys

"Thou shall not teach thine girls valuable life skills at the same time as boys in an extracurricular activity."

Foodie Francis’s Top 10 List of Top 10 Lists

Lists are a great way to re-affirm your own opinions. They can also piss you off but only if you disagree with the bullshit that made the list.

Trump: Puerto Ricans ‘Wrong Shade of American’ to Get All Help Needed

"If they looked like they were from Mississippi...I'd still be down there right now chucking paper towels at them."

Trump Wants Boy Scouts to Maintain ‘Traditional Values’ and Treat Girls Like Future Sexual Conquests Instead

"Back in my day, boys were raised to be men, and and girls were raised to be docile, willing sex slaves."

North American Medical Marijuana Union Announces 4 Things Pot Cures With 100% Success Rates

"This shit is pretty fucking hard to believe, to be totally goddamned honest."

Pumpkin Spice in Everything? Yes, Please!!! – A Foodie Francis Report

Pumpkin Spice Season is a like yummy tasting chemical warfare and count me as one that loves getting my face melted off by it.