Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Foodie Francis’s Top 10 List of Top 10 Lists

Lists are a great way to re-affirm your own opinions. They can also piss you off but only if you disagree with the bullshit that made the list.

Trump: Puerto Ricans ‘Wrong Shade of American’ to Get All Help Needed

"If they looked like they were from Mississippi...I'd still be down there right now chucking paper towels at them."

Trump Wants Boy Scouts to Maintain ‘Traditional Values’ and Treat Girls Like Future Sexual Conquests Instead

"Back in my day, boys were raised to be men, and and girls were raised to be docile, willing sex slaves."

North American Medical Marijuana Union Announces 4 Things Pot Cures With 100% Success Rates

"This shit is pretty fucking hard to believe, to be totally goddamned honest."

Pumpkin Spice in Everything? Yes, Please!!! – A Foodie Francis Report

Pumpkin Spice Season is a like yummy tasting chemical warfare and count me as one that loves getting my face melted off by it.

Emergency Crews Working To Remove Jeff Sessions From Package of E.L. Fudge Cookies

"I thought I smelled some marijuana, which of course made me angry and I needed to investigate."

Trump Supporter: Weinstein Not ‘The Kind of Sexual Predator You Can Trust With Your Vote’

"Of course, I wouldn't trust Trump alone with my daughter...or his daughter."

M&M’s Banned from White House Kitchens and Candy Dishes

"Their thin candy shells will be no match for our nook-you-ler missiles."

Ivanka Reminds Feuding Mommies No Matter Who Is First Lady She Is ‘Daddy’s Bottom Bitch’

Me-owwww! Things are heating up on the lame new reality-TV political...

Man Who Got C’s In High School English Demands Immigrants ‘Speak American’ or Go Home

"What do they think gives them the right to speak whatever language they want?"