Founding Fathers to America: ‘Stop Asking Us About Modern Gun Violence, Dummies!’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a recent seance and press conference in the nation’s capital, reporters were able to contact and question the spirits of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and John Adams.

All four spirits of course are best known for their mortal work on Earth as members of “The Founding Fathers,” the group of colonial leaders that led a revolt against the British empire and established the United States of America. In recent years, the frequency and severity of mass shootings — defined by the FBI as being carried out in a place where guns aren’t restricted and where four or more people are shot — has sparked a national debate on the Second Amendment of the Bill of Rights, contained within the Constitution that Madison wrote. The Second Amendment has been interpreted a couple of different ways through the years, with the most recent interpretation being that the Founders intended to protect the individual’s right to keep and bare arms, despite the mention of militias in the Second Amendment.

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People on all sides of the gun control issue often engage in debates about what the Founders intended, and so reporters were quite happy at the seance and press conference to get a chance to ask them directly about firearms and gun violence in general. However, it became clear after only a few questions that the Founders weren’t going to be providing any new insights into the gun violence problem in modern day America. All four men answered questions in a way that made it clear none of them cared to comment on the situation.

“Don’t ask us about gun violence, dummies,” Washington told one reporter. “I mean, clearly we’re all okay with guns since we used them to fight a revolution. Clearly we felt that it’s important for a nation to defend itself, and that’s why the militia language in the amendment itself exists, but for God’s sake everyone, I died in 1799! I didn’t even make it out of the 18th century. So how the hell am I going to have a valid or legitimate viewpoint on a crisis in your times? It’s just silly to even care about what we think about firearms,” Washington added.

Jefferson was similarly irked by the questions, telling reporters, “I already gave my thoughts on this, over 150 years ago! I said ‘Earth belongs to the living generation.’ Do you know what that means,” the third American president asked rhetorically. Then he answered his own question, “It means what I think about things that happen after I die is irrelevant. We formed this union out of an emergent need in our time, and we gave you the damn tools to shape your government and society the way you want by making sure to put in the Constitution the clause about amending the damn thing.” Jefferson also pointed out that he “talked about watering the tree of revolution with blood every 20 or so years” but that “I was speaking in a much different time period. Now, I’d say that if you want to revolutionize your society, you should amend the goddamned Constitution.”

“All I know is that when we conceived of the Second Amendment,” Madison told reporters, “we were thinking along the lines of not wanting to be an occupied nation again. We weren’t really thinking that the revolutionary new style of self-governance we created would really bring about a need for another revolt, because you all can just hold elections and shit.” Madison said, “so I mean, if you want to have a society where you have to be armed to the teeth to feel safe, that’s cool and all, it’s your life and your time on the planet and you can do what you want with it” but he said “don’t come crawling to me though asking why I allowed you to create such a society if like 20 kids are blown away in a school or some such other horrible thing that I know is just too crazy to not react to, right?”

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John Adams told reporters that when he died he was “sure that [he’d] no longer be responsible for the laws and policies of the United States of America.” Adams said that “if you guys want to add language to the Second Amendment that keeps guns out of the hands of mentally unstable or violent people, even terrorists, I can’t see why you shouldn’t just do it.” The second president told reporters that “no one should be beholden to a bunch of dead dudes for anything.”

“Just do what you want,” Washington said as the seance/press conference was coming to an end, “and stop dredging up ghosts to tell you what to do. Stop letting firearm sycophants dictate the conversation. We didn’t create a libertarian utopia, we created a democratic republic, and after the Civil War it was pretty much settled that a robust Federal presence must be felt in order to ensure equal application of the laws. They can hem and haw and kvetch all they want about it, but the only way they can actually stop you is to get the votes they need; that’s it. Hell, if they can get enough votes to put enough people in power to turn this country into a libertarian cream dream, that’s their right too. But don’t let assholes who have a selfish obsession with owning guns over all else dictate the conversation if you don’t want to, or do,” Washington said with a sigh, “because seriously, we’re all fucking dead, and we don’t even want satirical writers putting damn words in our mouth. So just let us rest in peace and go live your lives.”

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