Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Future Active Shooter Disappointed About His C- Manifesto Grade

Clovis, CA -- Future active shooter and area incel Garth Gall...

Anti-Vaxxer Outraged Friends ‘Listened to Science,’ and Vaccinated Their Baby

SPRING FALLS, CALIFORNIA -- 46-year-old California resident Dennis Myers calls himself...

Trump: Only People Who Voted For Him Should Have First Amendment Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In 2016, less than a month after being...

White Guy Annoyed Black Community Won’t Listen To His Advice About Problems He Says They Don’t Have

PAS D'EMPATHIE, CONNECTICUT -- Matthew Palumbozo is 26, white, and extremely...

Porn Site Reveals “Daddy/Daughter” As Most Searched Term In Trump States

If you're a Trump supporter, chances are you like a familiar brand of porn...literally.

President Trump’s Itinerary Ruined as He Struggles for Hours to Thread a Needle

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Alleged billionaire reality-TV star, failed steak salesman, and...

Trump Misses Blaming Farts on Sarah Huckabee Sanders

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- While taking a stroll on the grounds of...

Local Woman Anxious For Hatred Among Fellow Americans To Return To Pre-Trump Levels

LAKE GILMOUR, FLORIDA -- Scholars and historians seem to agree, the...

Trump Promises to Drop Out if Michelle Obama Enters 2020 Race

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump told reporters today that if...