Man Files Freedom of Information Request for Donald Trump’s ‘Human Birth Certificate’

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SAN NARANJA, CALIFORNIA — A man in California has filed a request under the Freedom of Information Act for Donald Trump’s “human birth certificate,” according to court records.

Phillip Q. Simpson says that he is unconvinced that Donald Trump is eligible to serve based on his birth status. However, unlike the “birthers” — Trump being one of the loudest of the group — that questioned President Barack Obama’s legitimacy based on a belief he was born in another country, Simpson says he is convinced Trump was born in the United States. He is not convinced, however, of Trump’s humanity, and believes he might actually just be “a gelatinous bag of farts and racism.”

“I question the humanity of anyone who says the vile things about entire groups of people that he does,” Simpson told reporters during a press conference he called to announce his FOIA request. Simpson told the press that “decent human beings don’t spew garbage about Mexicans being sent from their country here to take over” and “humans are supposed to be intelligent enough to know not all Muslims are terrorists.”

Simpson told reporters he began to suspect something was wrong with Trump a couple years ago when he started telling the whole world he had a crack team working on debunking Obama’s birth certificate. Mr. Simpson had his suspicions confirmed, he says, when Trump announced his candidacy last year after riding down an escalator and pronouncing that so many Mexican immigrants who come to the U.S. are “rapists” and “drug dealers.”

“As far as I can tell,” Simpson said, “the man is just a gelatinous bag of farts and racism. Everything he says sounds like a verbal fart, and smells just as badly. So yeah, I tend to doubt his membership in the human race. And the last time I checked there are no race or gender restrictions on who can be president, but you do actually have to be a human being. Or maybe not. I guess Republican voters will help us figure that out, won’t they?”

Though he is sure that Trump is not a human, Simpson says he has several theories as to what Trump is, outside the “bag of farts” theory.

“Maybe he’s a dopey, orange-skinned alien sent here to destroy America,” Simpson said, “and maybe he’s just a collection of antibiotic resistant diseases that somehow came together and worked as a team to create…whatever the fuck he is. I don’t know. I just know that people who talk like him aren’t human, not really. They might be people. But they’re sure as shit not human.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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