Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Mike Pence Listening to Low-Volume Porn on Headphones But Tells Mother It’s ASMR

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- He doesn't like to do it; in fact,...

Five Humans and Two Billionaires Hold Two Hour Shouting Match

SOUTH CAROLINA -- Last night, five human beings and two billionaires...

Incoming Disney CEO Reaffirms Company’s Committment to Executive Bonuses and Homeless Park Employees

ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA -- Today, Disney announced that Bob Iger would be...

President Promises TrumpCare Will ‘Absolutely Cover Non-Existing Conditions’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump appears to be already jockeying...

Man Kicking Himself for Missing the Perfect Opportunity to Kill Himself

VALLE DE INÚTIL, CALIFORNIA -- Looking back on it now, Jake...

Trump Administration Tells Americans Coronavirus Would Have Been Stopped By Trump’s Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump's presidential administration told reporters today that...

Sotomayor and Ginsburg Suggest Trump Should Recuse Himself From All Cases Involving America

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Throughout his presidency, President Donald Trump has tried...

Jesus: “It’s Cute When Christians Think Bernie’s Too Socialist”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This morning during a heavenly press...

Musk Invests $10 Million in New Water Pipe Company

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- Last year, Elon Musk made headlines...

Ghost of FDR Worries Fellow Socialist Sanders May Only Be Elected to Two Terms

The ghost of Franklin D. Roosevelt, former President of the United...