Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Trump Supporters Demand Football Hall of Fame Remove Socialist Barry Sanders

The Pro Football Hall of Fame released a statement regarding a...

Trump Issues Executive Order for Dow Jones to Work Like Golf Scores

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As the markets opened today, the Dow Jones...

President Acknowledges He Had to Buy His Sons’ Way Into Trump University

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last year, America was rocked by a scandal...

Spoiler Alert: You’re a Fucking Asshole

Hey, you! Yeah, you! I hope you're sitting down, and in...

Mike Pence Orders CDC to Quadruple Thought and Prayer Capacity to Combat Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As his first official act in the capacity...

‘This country will never elect a socialist!’ – Woman Who Said No Black Man Would Ever Be President

GLEN SPRINGS, CONNECTICUT -- Susan Haroldson is a 64-year-old mother of...

Trump Worried Too Many Solar Panels Means Humans Might ‘Suck Up All the Sunlight’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Presdident Donald Trump today told reporters that "one...

Mike Pence Listening to Low-Volume Porn on Headphones But Tells Mother It’s ASMR

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- He doesn't like to do it; in fact,...