Jesus: “It’s Cute When Christians Think Bernie’s Too Socialist”

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KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This morning during a heavenly press conference, Jesus Hubert “Son of God” Christ says his cell phone has been “blowing up” lately with requests from several media outlets to comment on the American presidential race. While Christ said he has a “strict no politics rule,” and would not be endorsing any candidate, no matter who says they told him to run, Christ did speak a little bit about whether he thinks Bernie Sanders being a democratic socialist is a hinderance to his campaign.

“I’m swamped these days,” Christ told afterlife reporters, “every day I get a billion or so prayers about the election. Americans are always the ones to act like whatever is happening in their country is the only thing happening all over the world, let alone in the universe.”

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Christ said he was “getting a little perturbed” at constantly having to tell reporters that he is “more worried about what happens to fetuses after they develop and are born than [he] is about a poor woman making a really tough decision about her reproductive choices” and that “he’d rather people focus on the kids already born than on bringing more unwanted children into the world.” However, Christ says the people who put him in the “money changer table flipping mood” are the ones who claim to be followers of his teachings, but whine about Bernie Sanders, the Democratic frontrunner, being a socialist.

“The best ones are the Christians who say they totally believe in everything I said in the Bible,” Christ said, “but then turn around and accuse Bernie Sanders of being too much a socialist for their tastes. It’s cute.”

Christ went on to say that he’s “tickled pink” by people who call themselves Christian and then “balk at the idea of focusing first on taking care of the poor and letting the rich be a second priority.”

“That’s literally what I came down there for,” the self-proclaimed Prince of Peace insisted, “I totally get that no one wants to pay so much in taxes that they can’t survive, but pretending as if there aren’t millions of people in your country that need help and that there aren’t plenty of places in your Federal budget to cut other than programs that help people is total and complete bullshit, my children.”

He doesn’t care if someone does or does not vote for Sanders, but he does care that they not claim believing in his teachings is their reason, Christ explained.

“The simple fact is that the most un-Christian thing you can do is value rich people more than poor people,” Mr. Of Nazareth said. “They don’t work harder just because they’re rich. That’s factually stupid to even say, because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out there are many, many rich people who were simply born that way, and that stay that way their whole lives. You know, like that dumbfuck idiot president in the Oval Office right now.”

Jesus then told us that he’s “not even all that interested in politics in the first place.” He reminded humanity that he “told everyone to pay Caesar what is due Caesar” because he “was trying to get across the message that [he wasn’t] interested in what some politician says is right or wrong, only what the results of actions are.” Christ also said that he “wouldn’t care if a Democrat was saying that poor people are lazy and should be treated like dirt” he’d “still be just as pissed” because he doesn’t “play rah-rah politics.”

“Just take care of the sick and the poor, what’s so hard about that,” Christ asked rhetorically. “All these people, they act as if they’re just one hard working day or one lucky break away from becoming millionaires and billionaires themselves, and so they protect people that don’t really need protection. They behave as if asking the people who are literally the richest people the planet has ever known to give back a few pennies on their dollar, pennies that they’ll easily make up for with the compounding interest on just one of their accounts, is an affront to their whole way of life. Yet they still have the balls to say they follow my teachings? Pfffft.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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