Carly Fiorina: I Wrestled a Bear and Took Out Bin Laden

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LOS MYTHOS, TEXAS — 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina was in Texas this week, making her pitch to a state with quite a large number of Republican voters. During one campaign stop, the former CEO of Hewlett Packard related a story to her audience that her campaign would later tell the press was aimed at “showing ruggedly individualistic voters” that Fiorina is a “relatable candidate” and “sympathetic to their way of life.” Fiorina regaled her rally’s crowd with a harrowing tale that found her both wrestling a bear and firing the fatal shot that killed Osama Bin Laden.

“Rest assured, this all happened exactly as I say it happened and while I cannot and will not prove it, rest assured. It happened,” Fiorina began her story. She paused, took a breath, and said, “It was May 2nd, 2011, and I was gearing up for a camping trip in Pakistan. I know, it sounds weird that I’d be camping in Pakistan, but rest assured, that’s what I was going to do and did.”

Ms. Fiorina said that just hours after landing her private jet at an airstrip just outside Islamabad, she was in the foothills of mountains near the area when she heard something rustling in the trees. Fiorina said she immediately reached for her AR-15 semi-automatic rifle and fired three shots into the woods where she heard the noise. After a moment of listening, Fiorina said she “heard that rustling noise again” and she decided to head into the woods to check it out.

“No sooner had I taken two steps into the trees, then I had been smacked by a huge Himalayan bear paw, right across my arm, and my gun fell,” the Republican told the crowd. “Those Planned Parenthood videos that totally have the scene I described in them no matter how many fact checkers can’t verify it may be disgusting, but my wrestling training from none other than Hulk Hogan was anything but.” Fiorina says she grappled for “at least sixteen hours” with the bear, ultimately convincing it to let her win and take him to the local bear sanctuary where he could frolic in the trees with his fellow bears. “But,” she said, “my adventures weren’t over then, not by a long stretch.”

Fiorina says that while the official government story is that Osama Bin Laden was taken out by a member of the elite Seal Team 6, that she was in fact the one that fired the fatal shot into Bin Laden’s temple, and it all started when a member of Seal Team 6 came upon Fiorina’s campsite. “He invited me to take place in a bold mission, and he said he’d be absolutely honored to help the woman who helped take down HP’s stock prices to take down Osama Bin Laden. I was pumped,” the Republican businesswoman said.

“I remember as we walked up to the compound that Bin Laden was in and knocked on the door, how nervous I was,” Fiorina said, “but I knew my Seal training would give me what I needed to get through this challenge. I turned and looked into the camera on one of the SEAL’s helmet and waved to President Obama and then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, but they didn’t look up from some secretive conversation they were having in the Situation Room while they waited for us to do our solemn duty.” Fiorina said that she heard one of the SEAL team members telling another one “POTUS and SecState are just discussing a false flag operation in Libya next year, no biggie. Rest assured, I heard them planning Benghazi from day one.”

Ms. Fiorina told her audience that “the rest of the details are obviously classified,” but to “rest assured, I was the one who aimed trained my sights on Bin Laden and I was the one who pulled the trigger and killed him.” Fiorina said she didn’t want any publicity for the mission at first, so she convinced everyone in the Obama Adminstration to hide it. However, she says, “when you’re running for president, you need everyone to have all the truthiest true true facts possible about your accomplishments” and therefore she “decided to let you all in on the best secret” of her life.

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