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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader's dick?" A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he's put...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...
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U.S. Politics

Ginsburg: “Cancer Can’t Make Me Resign Until It Leaves The White House First”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In 2019, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg underwent three weeks...
MAGA News

Trump Orders EPA Study On Effects Of Electrolytes On Plant Life

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Trump Administration ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to divert "as...
Tech

Facebook Introduces “Bullshit” Post Reaction

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- Longtime users of billionaire Mark Zuckerberg's privacy profiteering and...
MAGA News

Trump Suggests Adult Film Industry Rename ATMs to “Doing a McEnany”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At the time of publication, it's still not quite clear how...
MAGA News

White House: Hospitals Must Send COVID-19 Data to Trump’s AOL Account

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- According to a new presidential edict signed just this morning, hospitals...
MAGA News

DeVos To Strike More Than 4.5 Billion Years Of Earth’s History From School Curriculum

New Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos wants history books to contain only the bare, biblical essentials and nothing else...literally.
MAGA News

Sources Confirm: President Trump Still Likes Russian Whore Piss And Wants To Fuck His Daughter

President Trump still definitely loves Russian prostitute urine and totally wants to bang his daughter, according to sources close to him.
Science & Medicine

Mickey and Minnie Mouse Sue Disney After Being Hospitalized With COVID-19 Symptoms

WHORELANDO, FLORIDA -- In what can surely be described as a truly unforeseen turn...
Economy

Devos Identifying a Few Thousand Students America Can Afford To Die From Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Education Secretary Betsy Devos told the media today that she's been...
MAGA News

Incoherent Idiot Wastes Hour of Everyone’s Life Reminding Them Why They Should Vote for Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a nearly hour-long, oftentimes rambling, mostly incoherent rant, a massive...
Science & Medicine

CDC Warns Libertarians: There Is No Nerd Immunity from COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control has issued an urgent warning to...
Conservative Media

Tucker Carlson Hires David Duke as New Head Writer

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Tucker Carlson was in need of a new head...
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)