James Schlarmann, Author at The Political Garbage Chute

James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler

Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader's dick?" A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he's put...

May 17, 2024

U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...

May 15, 2024

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MAGA News

Mary Trump’s Book Claims Her Uncle Paid Someone Else to Take STD Tests for Him

Yesterday, a judge cleared the way for Mary Trump -- niece of President Donald...

July 14, 2020

MAGA News

Stephen Miller Really Wants You To Put The Goddamned Lotion In The Fucking Basket

Forget Muslim bans, Stephen Miller, Trump's senior policy guy, wants everyone to put the lotion in the basket, or on their skin.

July 14, 2020

Sports

Redskins Rename Themselves to Honor Those Offended by Team’s Name Change

After almost nine decades using it, the nickname of the NFL team based in...

July 13, 2020

MAGA News

Betsy Devos: “Some People Are Too Poor to Know When It’s Safe to Send Their Kids to School”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Education Secretary Betsy Devos told members of the educational community on...

July 13, 2020

MAGA News

Fauci Pronounces Trump ‘Dead From the Neck-Up’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a press conference this morning, Dr. Anthony Fauci pronounced the...

July 13, 2020

MAGA News

Trump Signs Executive Order Making All His Future Bowling Scores 300s

In his latest executive order, President Trump wants to ensure his legacy as a premier bowler remains intact after he's left office.

July 12, 2020

MAGA News

Roger Stone Shows Off New Trump Tramp Stamp Prison Tattoo

MILHOUSE, FLORIDA -- Just outside a diner about fifteen minutes from his home, Roger...

July 11, 2020

MAGA News

President Trump Eliminates The Judicial Branch Via Executive Order

You might think the country really needs its Judicial Branch, but if you do, you're probably a libtarded beta cuck male and should shut up.

July 11, 2020

MAGA News

Trump Signs Executive Order Officially Declaring His Penis “Straight, Effective, And Completely Normal Sized”

Will President Donald Trump's latest executive order finally put to a rest nasty rumors swirling around him and his junk?

July 10, 2020

Sports

Let These White Sports Fans Show You The RIGHT Way to Use The First Amendment

The Constitution's First Amendment is much like many things in America. It's best understood by white people. So it's probably best you listen to them.

July 9, 2020

MAGA News