COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins bills himself as “the Internet’s premiere pro-MAGA podcaster and singer/songwriter,” and quite often he boasts about being a “lifelong NRA member.” Today, Jethro told his podcast audience that he plans to ramp-up the donations he makes to the National Rifle Association, even though the New York Attorney General announced criminal charges against the group today, alleging tens of millions of dollars in fraudulent activities while it bilked members like Bohiggins out of donations under the guise of being a non-profit gun rights lobbying group.
“I don’t give a holy good goddamn about what they spent my money on fam! They told me they’re pro-gun, and they keep stopping the libtards from taking away all forty-five of my guns,” Bohiggins howled, “so I will not only keep my membership, I’m gonna start sending them three times the donation required to keep it active! You hear me? I’m gonna own the libs and give the NRA money that will end up being confiscated by the liberal bastion of New York and used for whatever they want!”
“The NRA’s influence has been so powerful that the organization went unchecked for decades while top executives funneled millions into their own pockets,” James said in a statement. “The NRA is fraught with fraud and abuse, which is why, today, we seek to dissolve the NRA, because no organization is above the law.” (NPR)
Bohiggins stopped for a moment and thought about what he’d just said.
“Wait, so the money I give to the NRA right now will eventually end up in the pockets of far-left radicals duly elected by American citizens,” Jethro asked himself rhetorically.
Jethro waited and thought for just another moment longer.
“Nah, fuck it. I’m gonna still give them money. I figure the NRA is like the Church of Guns, and I didn’t stop giving money to that TV preacher man when he got caught fucking underage kids,” Bohiggins reasoned, “and I didn’t stop giving money to the Republican Party even after I voted for them for thirty years and not a single dime trickled-down to me. You don’t switch horses in the middle of a goddamn race!”
Bohiggins gave his audience a few more examples of the causes and people he plans to keep sending his “hard unearned welfare check” to.
“I’m gonna keep donating to Bob Dole’s presidential campaign too! And you know what,” Bohiggins said, “I’m gonna keep giving money to OJ Simpson’s legal defense fund. I believe he’s entitled to keep getting my money, no matter how crimes he’s committed. I believe in consistency above all else.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.