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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Lifestyle

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as "Sleepy Joe" being so frequently unable to keep himself awake, they're missing the larger point. Trump has once again started blazing a trail..." There's a hot new trend among conservatives, and...
Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader's dick?" A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he's put...
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U.S. Politics

Putin Wonders If He’ll Be Batting a Thousand or .500 After Votes Counted

MOSCOW, RUSSIA -- Sitting beside a roaring fire, Russian President Vladimir Putin held court...
MAGA News

Trump Kids Ask Daddy If It’s Time to Start Stripping the White House of Silverware and Copper Wiring Yet

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Outwardly, the President of the United States of America is doing...
U.S. Politics

Trump Demands States Only Tally Biden Votes as High as His Base Can Count

PEWP'S PASS, PENNSYLVANIA -- There are just a matter of hours before Election Day,...
MAGA News

Win or Lose, Trump is Entitled to Secret Service Protection and Lindsey Graham BJs For Life

The truth is, despite the punditry class and America's elected officials' high-volume assertions, nobody...
MAGA News

Trump: “When You Look At Countries Called The United States, We’re Doing the Best”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a new interview with Fox News host Maria "Fartin'' Bartiromo,...
MAGA News

Biden Supporters Surround Trump Bus and Tell It How to Get to Sesame Street

CHINGADAS, TEXAS -- A tense situation in Texas has resolved itself, and the occupants...
Sports

Brett Favre ‘Thankful’ for Career Full of Head Injuries That Inspired Him to Vote for Trump

Yesterday, former NFL quarterback Brett Favre made national headlines. It's not something that is...
Lifestyle

Asshole Dresses as President for Final Halloween in the White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For the fourth consecutive year, the asshole who lives in the...
Lifestyle

Mother Checks Purse for Drugs Before Taking Her Kids Trick or Treating

STINK NUT FALLS, IDAHO -- 35 year old Shelly Skalski is just about to...
Criminal Justice

Biden Plans to Deploy Official Democrat Antifa Squads In the Event of Post-Election Civil Unrest

SCHLANGE LAKE, FLORIDA -- Just after concluding a campaign stop in Florida this morning,...
MAGA News

On Her 39th Birthday, Ivanka’s Just One Year From Being Traded For Younger, Hotter Daughter

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump told his First Lady that while he wanted...
MAGA News

Televangelist Publishes “MAGA-Friendly” Bible Just Three Pages Long

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA -- Bill Millen, a self-described "televangelist for Trump," told his flock...
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Lifestyle

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as...
Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)