Essential oils don’t just make your room smell less like farts and more like farts and cedar wood. They are highly-potent, toxin killing, super-mega-ultra-tacobella-healthy for us. At least that’s what some dude on a Facebook thread told me once when I told him that he should get his baby vaccinated. He told me he’d rather his new daughter get injected with peppermint oil than “chemicals from a chemical corporation that sells chemicals for profit off of chemicals.”
We had our team thoroughly research all the claims made about essential oils and their alleged healing properties. Even our alternative science lab, which is adept at finding the sliver of truth where others just see a miasma of bullshit, couldn’t verify a single one. As it turns out, essential oils are useless in the treatment of literally thousands of human ailments.
We compiled a small rundown of the most interesting diseases that essential oils absolutely, positively, cannot in any way help your immune system fight, stave off, kill, or cure. Let us know of any you’re aware of in the comments or by sending an angry letter to your local newspaper’s editorial board.
CANCER
If you are diagnosed with any type of cancer, following the advice of trained medical professionals can often save or prolong your life, and advancements seem to be made in fighting this scourge of our species every year. Our lab can confirm with 100% certainty that essential oils aren’t handy in fighting any form of cancer whatsoever. Even windmill cancer, a made-up disease, is impervious to anything essential oils provide.
AUTISM
It’s not caused by vaccines, and you don’t treat it with eucalyptus oil, Gladys.
TENNIS ELBOW
Is this one even a thing, anymore? When I was growing up, it was one of those “humorous” maladies that got mentioned on “The Gary Shandling Show” and stuff. But I’m not sure, to be honest, if it’s been renamed, or if people have just started wearing special equipment to minimize the ol’ Double-N Is ‘Bo as they called in my day or what…but the point is essential oils won’t do shit for it at any rate.
ALCOHOLISM
If you suspect you might need some help with an alcohol addiction, you should seek it from an educated, trained professional. Do not listen to Kenrick down at Whole Grains and Raw Goods; orange and sandalwood won’t do anything to calm your cravings for hooch.
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DEPRESSION
Have you been told by your one, “spiritual but not religious” friend that psychology is bogus and Big Pharma are in cahoots with Big Psych to dump all kinds of “medicine” and “treatment” on you for your crippling, lifelong depression? Did that same friend tell you all you need to beat depression is a good juice detox and meditating with essential oil suppositories? We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but well, your friend is prolly an “idiot” who doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Essential oils can make the debilitatingly terrible moments that make up your life smell better though, so there is that.
TOOTH DECAY/GUM DISEASE
Essential oils will not replace your dentist’s hard work and knowledge. They will, however, help relax you and make you feel like you’re eating oranges in a cedar or pine closet while you have your wisdom teeth taken out.
LIKING NICKLEBACK
There is no hope for you. Your disease is terminal.
EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA
Ate too many Gorditas last night, Todd? Get a little too baked off the marijuana bong joints and suck down too many hot chicken wings, Todd? Well, don’t look to essential oils to cool your burning ring of fire, because we can say with absolute scientific certainty any of them would do nothing for your rectal sputterings, and Pepto is like, way better for such times.
THE COMMON COLD
There is no cure for the common cold. Essential oils will do nothing for your fever or chills. Unfortunately, you’re just going to have to get plenty of rest, stay hydrated, and wait out the cold like the rest of us, Moon Doggy. You can’t just drop a little tea tree oil in your diffuser and sniff your way to healing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
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