“I call THIS ‘free market authoritarianism.'”
There is simply no denying it, unless you’re appearing on Fox News or OANN: Tesla’s stock price is in trouble. Whether or not it’s because the EV company’s CEO has tried on a little Nazi salute here or there, or because that same man’s hired twenty-something tech goons helped DOGE illegally fire thousands of government workers and attempt to shutter entire agencies, for some reason Tesla’s stock has been in free fall since Co-President Elon Musk took office in January.
In order to boost Tesla’s flagging sales and image, Musk’s fellow co-president announced this week that he’d try to save the company by purchasing a single car from them. Trump made the announcement while he did a full-blown sales pitch for Teslas on the White House lawn. Ethics experts seem to agree that this was questionable at best, however, they also admit that under Trump’s second reich, things just might play out a little differently than usual.
This morning, as he watched Tesla’s stock plummet at least another 5% at the time of publication, Co-President Musk made a frantic call to his colleague. According to several people we spoke to, Musk told Trump he had to do something about Tesla’s declining value and imploding market share, and he had to do it quickly. The two agreed that Trump would issue a new royal decree, which he did just moments ago.
@jamesschlarmann #sketchcomedy #sketchtok #sketchcomedytok #funny #JesusChrist #satire #JesusSecondComing #JerseyMikes
“I hereby order and demand that all Americans, even the LOSERS who didn’t vote for me — why didn’t they vote me? Was it because a liberal news organization told them very nasty things about me that are true, but again, very mean and nasty? We’ll probably have to sue them for that, but anyway,” Trump rambled as he dragged the crayon he was holding over the executive orders.
“…you all have to buy six Teslas. Minimum. I’m of course only buying one myself, but by now you’re all very used to what I call the Do As I Say, Not as I Do Because I Am the One, and the Minus Twelve doctrine that I live and lead by. So. Go. Now. I demand it.”
Trump responded to a question from a reporter about whether the Constitution gives him the right to give Americans demands for what to spend their money on first with a scoff, then a middle finger. Then, he farted literally at the reporter and retorted.
“You ask if this is authoritarianism? Well, guess what, fuck-o? I have the supreme authority in all the land, so sure it is. But that doesn’t make a commie, okay? Or even a socialist. I’m a free market guy. Very free market. Most guys can’t even get to as close to free market as I am, that’s how free market I am. I call this ‘free market authoritarianism.'”
Staff shooed reporters out of the room so that the co-president could take his routine mid-morning fart-nap.
Got twenty more minutes?
