Wisconsin Republican Wants Food Stamp Recipients’ Stomachs Pumped

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LAKE TETE DE PÉNIS, WISCONSIN — Republican Rep. Tom Thompaulsen is very concerned about what’s happening with food stamp recipients in his home state of Wisconsin.

Thompaulsen is so concerned about Republicans in his state pushing forward with a plan to drug test adults who receive food stamps, that he is proposing his own legislation that is different from the law being championed by people like Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. But Thompaulsen’s law isn’t about rolling back efforts to drug test people on welfare. Instead, his law would take things a step beyond simple drug tests.

“I don’t think drug testing welfare poors and limiting the kinds of foods are enough, actually,” Thompaulsen told our reporter. “How do we know for sure that they don’t fake their way past the drug screening with a friend’s pee? We have to do something to ensure that the standards of austerity we expect from our state’s poors are respected and followed.”

Rep. Thompaulsen is proposing that all those who get food stamps in his state have their stomachs pumped every week, to ensure that nothing is in their system that the state doesn’t approve of.

“These people are taking money out of the pockets of the nation’s richest, most well-off and therefore most advantageously positioned. They need to live their lives with respect for the fact that they might be keeping a Job Creator from creating a job, or worse, buying his next vacation home,” Thompaulsen said.

Mr. Thompaulsen said he is “alarmed by how much people seem to be willing to forgive the poors for being poor” and that “anyone who is poor in this country is so because they chose to do so.”

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Thompaulsen at that point insisted that “the only way to be sure a Taker is taking in the ways we insist Takers take is to know what they are putting in their bodies” and that is why drug screens and stomach pumping are “necessary and good.” A self-described “Christian Warrior for God,” Thompaulsen said that he feels Jesus Christ would support this law because despite teaching that the poor among us should be fed and clothed and treated as well as the richest among us, “Jesus wasn’t a hippy-dippy socialist. He’d value a good day’s work too.”

“Look, it’s not that we don’t want poor people to be happy,” Thompaulsen told us. “We just have our voters convinced that every scrap of food a poor person gets is one less dime for them, even though the tax code is supposed to be progressive for a reason — so that the rich, who can afford to pay a little extra, are hit with the higher burden, since again they can afford it. That’s why we gotta make them hate the Poors, even though they’re Poors themselves. Classic Republican move right there.”

In his view, Thompaulsen says welfare recipients in his state should consider themselves “lucky” if his party manages to pass this new law onto the governor and he signs it into the books.

“Hey, we had one draft of this law that not only let us pump their stomachs, but we were going to give them an enema too — you know, check both ports of call? But we decided as Republicans that an enema was too close to gay sex territory, and we can’t be having that. So the poors in Wisconsin should be happy if all they have to do is submit to dehumanizing pee tests and getting their stomach pumped. Could be worse, know what I mean,” Thompaulsen asked.

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