BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS — This week, WalMart’s CEO shocked America when it announced it was ceasing sales of handgun ammunition and would no longer allow open carrying of firearms in their stores, even in states where it’s not prohibited by law. The outrage was swift from circles on the right, however this morning, WalMart issued a statement in an attempt to “clear up any confusion” about their new policy, and it could be reasonably assumed, to win back the favor of some of their more stridently pro-gun customers.
“Our fellow Americans,” WalMart’s letter opens, “we understand how very important and vital it is to so many of our beloved clientele’s sense of safety and well-being to be surrounded by guns at literally every possible moment. We get it. Without a firearm strapped to your hip or tucked into your boot, are you really American? Are you, in fact, truly living a free life full of liberty if you don’t have the ability to kill at least a handful of people at a moment’s notice?”
While the letter reiterates and reaffirms WalMart’s new policy, it also gives Second Amendment enthusiasts an olive branch of sorts. According to WalMart’s letter, while new company policy will expressly forbid the brandishing of firearms in their stores, it still takes absolutely no official position on customers lubing up and having sex with their guns in the parking lot.
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“In the interest of clearing up any confusion or misconceptions about our new policies, we would like to issue a few clarifications,” WalMart wrote. “First and foremost, while you can no longer bring your guns into our stores, you can still point it wildly at anyone you presume, by looking at them, to be a libtarded cuck. Depending on your state’s laws, you may still even be within your legal right to stand your ground against their presumed liberal fascist ways and shoot them, but not once you enter the store, so please be aware of your local laws and ordinances.”
Not only will WalMart allow customers to brandish their firearms at other people in their parking lots, they’ll also instruct security guards patrolling the lots not to harass anyone who happens to be in the middle of coitus with one of their guns.
“Let us also be crystal clear on another point – you cannot bring your guns into the stores, but if the thought of leaving it in the car for forty-five minutes while you shop is too much to bear and you need one last moment of sexual bliss with it before heading inside,” WalMart said, “then by all means, get your dick out and ram it into the gun. If anyone knows the American tradition of gun fucking, it’s us, your friends at WalMart.”
NRA spokesterrorist Dana Loesch told listeners of her podcast that WalMart’s initial policy announcement made her “angry and sad” but that the follow-up letter is “commendable” and “shows WalMart still gets it on some level.”
“Of course I wish that WalMart’s stupid anti-freedom, pro-cuck policy of not forcing all their customers and employees to calculate in a split second whether the guy with the semi-automatic rifle is a good guy or a bad guy wasn’t written,” Loesch said, “but we all know you don’t make baby guns without fucking adult guns, so as long as WalMart is still pro-gun-fucking, freedom will ring.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
