WASHINGTON, D.C. — Presdident Donald Trump today told reporters that “one bigly reason” he supports the push for the return to coal as opposed to renewable energy solutions like solar is that the production and implementation of “too many” solar panels could result in humans collecting “all the sunlight.”
“And then how will we see anything during the day,” Trump asked sarcastically. “You ask those loony, far-left FAKE NEWS ANGRY Democrats that question, why don’t you? Ask them what happens when all their precious solar panels suck up all the sunlight!”
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Recently, Mr. Trump made waves when he revived a theory, unfounded in regular science but extremely plausible in alternative science, that living too close to a wind turbine could give someone cancer. The president’s lack of environmental agenda was communicated clearly with the appointment of his first EPA administrator, Scott Pruitt, who had made a reputation for himself in Oklahoma for constantly challenging that department’s regulations in the Sooner State. Trump also famously mocked scientists’ warnings not to stare directly at the sun during an eclipse.
“Folks, I like the sun, okay? I really do,” Trump explained, “but I like it so much I want to make sure we don’t go getting a wild hair up our butts, make too many solar panels, put them out there, and then BOOM! We’re out of sunlight in half an hour! I’m told by Rick Perry, who isn’t very smart but wears glasses and therefore my base considers him to be smart, that there is a 100% chance that is exactly what will happen. Kellyanne and Sarah agreed, and they’re not dumb, right?”
The president said that while he doesn’t “have any clue whatsoever” how solar power “even works,” he’s been told by his closest friends that it’s “dangerous, bad, and wrong.”
“And why would Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity ever lie? They never lie! They lie even less than I lie, and I’m a regular George Friggin’ Cherry Tree!”
Trump signed an executive order which severely curbed the number of solar panels he would “allow to be built in my country.”
“I’m sorry, but sometimes you just have to be willing to step in, and be a bold leader,” Trump said, swiping his hand across a page with a big orange crayon. “This is one of those times. I will not have the sun disappear on my watch!”
The president hinted that more proclamations like this one might be in the works.
“I have a big problem with a lot of so-called green energy ideas,” Trump said. “Cuz first of off, um, we’re AMERICA, okay? Our colors are red, white, and blue. The very least these environmental whackos can do is come up with red, white, and blue energy ideas!”
The president farted, blaming it on Sarah Huckabee Sanders reflexively.
“Bad Sarah! But thanks for reminding me. Cow farts,” Trump said, never breaking gaze with Huckabee Sandes. “Cow. Farts. When cows fart. People say that hurts the environment, but I’ve been around some of the most disgusting farts you can imagine ever since you-know-who became my press secretary, and they don’t hurt me any. I’m going to order the army to disburse cows throughout the country so that more cow farts are happening in more places.”
Americans can expect several more statements and executive actions from Trump, he warned.
“I’m fired up about this. I want big, beautiful, clean coal plants from sea to burning sea,” Trump said. “I want us to think about single-use energy creation solutions! I want us to use nuclear weapons to clear out large portions of the rainforests so we can build Trump hotels there! Let’s make Earth Great Again, fam!”
Trump kicked the press out of the Oval Office at that point so he could start his next five hour block of Executive Time.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
