Trump Threatens To Withhold Funding From Any State That Lets Democrats Vote

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elections in this country are run and officiated by state governments, not the federal government. That fact, however, may not be something that President Donald Trump considers important enough to believe in, at least based on his tweets and accusations of “voter fraud” he’s made recently. Despite being a mail-in voter in Florida himself, President Trump has blasted absentee or mail-in voting quite a bit lately, sewing the seeds of distrust among his base of any kind of voting that isn’t done in-person.

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In California, large portions of Trump’s own party vote via mail. There have been no credible allegations made or prosecutions undertaken for voter fraud as it relates to absentee balloting. Despite carping about “ballot harvesting” — the process of gathering up completed mail-in ballots and delivering them to election officials to be counted — there has yet to be a single instance of voter fraud proven in relation to the practice.

When he took office in 2017, Trump setup a presidential commission to investigate allegations of rampant voter fraud, however after millions were spent, no evidence was found whatsoever to back up the accusations. Despite never being able to prove them, however, the president and his allies have continued to push their beliefs that Democrats commit voter fraud using mail-in ballots.

This morning, the president lashed out at two states specifically — Nevada and Michigan. At issue is the fact that the state election commissions sent applications for mail-in ballots to every registered voter this week. States are grappling with how to ensure the most amount of people can exercise their constitutional right to vote while still dealing with the fallout and consequences of a global COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. Trump has made this one of his most frequent complaints, intimating that Democrats are breaking laws to “steal” the election from him.

Speaking to reporters this morning, White House Chief Bullshit Strategist Kellyanne Conway said that the president is “bigly concerned” that Democrats will attempt to “cheat by getting more votes” than Trump. This, she argues is “the worst kind of voter fraud.”

“Because it defrauds 30% of the country out of their constitutional right to force the 70% of the country to accept a white collar criminal as their president,” Conway argued. “What is a bigger fraud than winning an election without the help of Russia or voter suppression? Why don’t you idiots ask that question, huh? That’s what I thought, you’re all stupid. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the president is due to take his hydroxychloroquine pill, and it’s my turn mash it up in his ice cream.”

Mr. Trump must not have been satisfied with threatening to withhold funding from states that push mail-in balloting, a move that likely runs directly counter to the Constitution itself. This afternoon, while strolling around the White House lawn to, as he said, “fart out” his lunchtime meal of KFC and Diet Coke, Trump announced that he was “strongly and bigly considering” an even bolder, broader ultimatum to states. Should states allow Democrats to vote at all — in person or by mail — they will risk their federal funding, Trump said.

“Let me make this very, very clear, okay? Voting is not a right I recognize, and Billy Barr says I have the power to cancel rights whenever my feelings get hurt, so suck it,” President Trump began, “and therefore, I have been strongly and bigly considering cutting off funding to any state that lets a single Democrat vote.”

Trump reasoned that Democrats voting against him are “really voting against America” and should be considered traitors.

“We don’t let traitors vote in this country. We let them serve on presidential transition teams. We let Billy Barr try to get charges against traitors dropped after they plead guilty to them,” Trump said, “but we do not let traitors vote! Frankly, if you ask me, Democrat is just another word for traitor. So why should we let Americans decide who will be the president if they don’t even admit I’m the best president ever, or worse yet, want to vote for someone other than me.”

The reaction on the Hill to Trump’s threats has been one of support from congressional Republicans.

“If you ask me, while the Founders were truly inspired, amazing thinkers, they made a huge mistake when they adopted the Constitution,” Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Taint) told reporters, “and that was in implying that people who belong to any party can vote. I know that what the president is doing is technically unconstitutional, but since he’s not black or a Democrat, I can’t find any fault in it.”

Congressman Devin Nunes (R-CA) shared similar sentiments to Graham’s.

“All I know is that whatever Dear President wants, he gets. He’s royalty, really, and that’s what the American people want and need,” Nunes explained, “even if they don’t know they want or need it.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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