WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, the White House legal team is expected to wrap up their opening arguments. By the end of it, sources say, they’re confident that they will have proven an air-tight case, but not in defense of President Trump’s actions in relation to his attempt to extort a foreign government into helping him dig up dirt on his political rival. Instead, those close to the situation say the president’s team is confident they’ve made the case for impeaching that rival’s son, Hunter Biden, and removing him from office.
“I think what we’ve proven beyond a shadow of a doubt is that Hunter Biden only has the lifestyle he has because of nepotism,” an anonymous source whose name rhymes with “Shmushmanka” told us. “And my daddy says unless you’re getting at least a handy ouf the deal, nepotism is bad. Or at least I think that’s what he said. It’s sometimes hard to hear him if he’s got the silver spoon Grampa Grand Wizard Fred put in his mouth when he was born.”
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Alan Dershowitz, a key member of Trump’s defense team, sidestepped questions of whether Hunter Biden should be impeached based on the Trump team’s presentation in order to focus on something much more important to him.
“I don’t know about all that, but I would like to just point out me, in general,” Dershowitz said. “I think I made a compelling case that I’m important, have big brain thoughts, and am generally, you know, someone who exists. That could be the most important thing we learned in all of this — that Alan Dershowitz still exists, and always keeps his pants on, no matter what the massage parlor girl tells him he’s allowed to do.”
Former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi, speaking to reporters as Trump campaign cash kept erupting from her body on both ends, said she felt she did a “good job pointing out why Hunter Biden can’t be trusted to lead this great nation.”
“If you could sit through my presentation yesterday and not vomit from hypocrisy induced sickness,” Bondi insisted, “then you’d come away from it knowing how bad corruption is. But more importantly I think you’d come away from it realizing how corrupt and untrustworthy Hunter Biden is. Therefore, he simply must be impeached and removed from office.”
Trump lead attorney Jay Sekulow, echoed Bondi’s sentiments.
“I think our team pointed out something very obvious. Corruption and nepotism is clearly only bad when you’re a Democrat,” Sekulow said. “Otherwise, it’s not even corruption or nepotism. It’s patriotism. Some might argue it’s vital to the continuance of our great republic. What is this country built upon but abject hypocrisy and whataboutism? I rest my case.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
