President Trump Eliminates The Judicial Branch Via Executive Order

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In 2017, some people noticed that the White House’s official website no longer contained a reference to the Judicial Branch of the U.S. government. To say many eyebrows were raised would be an understatement.

The timing was quite suspect, as a lower federal court had just issued a stay on President Donald Trump’s controversial executive order banning immigrants and refugees from seven Islamic countries into the country. During his presidency, Trump has had what some might call an “on-again/off-again” relationship with America’s court system. When touting how many judges and Supreme Court Justices he’d gotten Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) to confirm, Trump has seemed quite sweet on the courts. However, whenever a court ruling has gone against him or his administration, Trump has repeatedly lashed out.

In recent rulings, the courts have held that Trump cannot hide his tax returns from New York prosecutors. This reportedly enraged Trump, and this morning he signed an executive order that those close to him say he’s hoping helps get himself out of hot water and protects his tax returns from prying eyes a little while longer.

Taking the order from his chief of staff, Trump smiled. He read the order to himself, mouthing the words he read like a second grader would. He spoke after nodding his head up and down in a rehearsed but solemn way.

“Of course, of course,” Trump said, “this is the one on eliminating the judicial branch. We all know what that one’s about right? Right. Serious stuff. Has to be done. Gotta cut the fluff. Gotta trim the fat. Washington’s too fat, you know? Gotta slim down. Washington’s looking like my first wife, and I need her to trim down to at least Melania size, and maybe even Ivanka size.”

President Trump, as he was signing the order, gave some of the reasoning and rationale for it.

“Do you know how hard it is to be president when everyone’s checking and balancing your power,” Trump asked rhetorically, “because I don’t think the founders did. This whole separation of powers thing makes it really hard to do whatever it is I want. Which, as president, I’m constitutionally promised to get to do. At least that’s what my lawyers — the best matzoh eaters I could buy, by the way — tell me, and what else would I be paying them for but to listen to what they have to say and take it as gospel truth?”

There is a personal motivation for closing the country’s courts, Trump admitted. Though he said his experiences only “colored” his views, they didn’t force him to make a decision one way or the other. That, he said, is “Bannon’s job.”

“I’ve just lost so many times in court,” Trump said, “whether it’s bankruptcy court, divorce court, or you know, settling a twenty-five million dollar fraud case before going to court. So if you ask me, the courts are just a way to punish benevolent rich guys like me.”

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said that “as an American with a brain” he’s “deeply troubled by this move” but that “as a Republican” he’s “incredibly stoked.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters he wasn’t going to raise a stink because Trump promised him his very own bathtub full of coal to bathe in. Congressional Democrats are rumored to be meeting later today to figure out a strategy that makes them look like they’re taking action, but are really just rolling over so that they can abuse the same authority and power themselves when they’re back in the White House.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.