Trump: “Oh Darn! I Was Just About to Testify Under Oath and Release All the Documents I Was Keeping from Congress, Too!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump paced on the White House lawn and driveway this morning, awaiting a helicopter ride to a donut shop and “farting out the sadness,” he shouted at reporters. Trump said he was feeling a “bigly big depression” this morning, having just watched Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and the chairs of a handful of House committees announce two articles of impeachment against him.

The articles accuse the president of abusing his power in attempting to strongarm the Ukrainian government into investigating former Vice President Joe Biden’s son Hunter, and of obstructing Congress’s constitutional authority to investigate his conduct. The second article bears a striking resemblance to one of the articles of impeachment levied against former President Richard M. Nixon. Though Mr. Nixon ultimately resigned before his articles of impeachment could be voted on in the full house, both men were accused of attempting to put themselves above the law by blocking all requests for witness testimony and documentation.

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Trump’s first instinct, he shouted at reporters, was to tweet his displeasure, which he did four times in less than half an hour after Pelosi held her press conference.

In tweets, Trump blasted Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler and others, claiming they “refuse to acknowledge” that Ukraine’s president and foreign minister said there “WAS NO PRESSURE.” Some have noted, however, that testimony in the impeachment hearings revealed that Ukrainian officials knew military aid and a White House meeting were on hold until the investigations Trump sought were publicly announced. Trump’s critics have said that line of defense doesn’t exonerate the president, drawing an analogy to someone being extorted not feeling like they can say honestly whether they were being extorted.

The president, in all-caps, went back to a very common refrain of his. It’s a phrase he used to describe FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election, and any connections to Trump’s campaign. A report from the FBI Inspector General on the Mueller probe’s genesis, released yesterday, clearly debunked Trump and his defender’s insistence that a deep state conspiracy was central to the investigation opening against him. However, Trump this morning still went back to the well and called his impeachment the very same thing he called Mueller’s investigation.

The president lashed out at Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff, as well. Trump is still quite irate that Schiff chose to paraphrase and infer the context of the call in July between the president and the newly elected Ukrainian president. Despite polls of Americans with IQs above their shoe sizes showing that 90% of the country understood Schiff was not in any way, shape, or form implying that he was quoting Trump verbatim, the most powerful man-baby in the free world made veiled threats that Schiff will “have to answer” for his paraphrasing.

Finally, the president once again implored the country to read the summary of a transcript of the July call his administration released. Trump and his surrogates have been insisting that because Trump used the word “us” in referencing to asking for a “favor” from the Ukraine, that he couldn’t possibly be seeking to benefit politically from the investigation.

Not long after he sent the last tweet, Trump was pacing the lawn. Reporters say they could hear Trump’s farting over the roar of the helicopter engine. Aides would later tell them when he’s nervous, the president’s already numerous farts multiply exponentially. The president admitted he was “anxious and gassy” over what appears to be the inevitability of his impeachment, but he said he was also “bigly sad” about the timing of Pelosi’s announcement, because he had just decided this morning to comply with the congressional subpoenas for information, and even to testify, under oath.

“I’m just so devastated right now, because, I was gonna testify! I was gonna do it all,” Trump bellowed. “I saw Ivanka this morning, and she nudged me awake, and told me, ‘Daddy, they just wrote your articles of impeachment.’ And I said to her, ‘Oh darn! I was just about to testify under oath and release all the documents I was keeping from Congress!'”

Trump said he feels “absolutely horrible” about how the timing worked out.

“I just was waiting for the exact right moment to stop stonewalling,” Trump insisted. “I was waiting for the perfect time to stop obstructing! I was just obstructing for fun, you see! For jokes! And even though Bill Clinton testified under oath about a blowjob, I didn’t feel like I should testify under oath until just this morning! Why can’t Nancy just call a mulligan, like I do on every golf stroke I take that I don’t like, and we’ll start this whole thing over again, except this time I totally promise I won’t act like I’m above the law, and will testify? That seems most fair to me. Nancy, if you’re listening, call me!”

Speaker Pelosi’s office has not yet responded to Trump’s request.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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