WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the course of his presidency thus far, Donald Trump has become no stranger to controversy and outrage and often times he’s shown a lust for it, but this morning in the Oval Office he tried to quell some of the most recent hubbub over his administration’s international breastfeeding policy.
“Hey, for starters, in my defense, I had no idea that titties would be something I’d have to deal with as president, and if I had known, I’d have been way more prepared,” Trump said. “No one loves titties, boobs, nugs, jugs, snooblins, or knockers like I do. Any topic that remotely brushes up against breasts is a topic I consider myself an expert on. That being said, initially I think our policy of not encouraging people in poorer countries to breastfeed and instead push them toward formula to help prop up the baby formula market was not a good one.”
Trump’s apathy for breastfeeding started early, he supposed.
“I guess since my mom didn’t nurse me and instead opted for filling a bottle full of eastern European prostitute urine and KKK pamphlets that I never really say much use to tit drinking,” Trump said. “That is to say drinking from a tit. I love a boob in my mouth like the next guy, but to drink from one? Gross. It’s not like KFC and Diet Coke come out of those things!”
But, Mr. Trump said, his daughter has helped him have quite a change of heart.
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“Let’s just say that Ivanka helped me find a new position, one I could really get under and support with my whole mouth,” Trump said, “excuse me, heart. My hole heart. Cuz her titty was in my mouth. Whoops! Did I say that out loud?”
Sources confirm he did, in fact, say that out loud.
“Now, before the FAKE NEWS goes and writes a FAKE story using my literal words that came out of my actual mouth verbatim, let me just say I didn’t in any way say that I put Ivanka’s titty in my mouth and sucked on it for a bit,” Trump explained. “What I AM saying is that Ivanka used alternative reasoning and logic to show me that booby feeding is actually quite good.”
There was one concern that Trump had after his special meeting with his daughter was over, however.
“I didn’t get any milk, and I have to say, frankly, I was a little upset and disappointed in that,” President Trump said. “Babies always want milk, especially 280-pound man babies!”
Reached for comment, Ivanka Trump didn’t add much to the discussion, per usual.
“What? Huh? You guys, are like, asking me questions? Weirrrrrrrrrrd,” Ivanka said as she hurried away from the throng of reporters waiting to ask her if she put her breast in her father’s mouth.
This is a developing story.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
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