RIO CHINGADERO ESTUPIDO, CALIFORNIA — Researchers at a community college in California recently published the results of a study they conducted which they say proves right-wing conspiracy theorist and alleged journalist Mike Cernovich “thinks about pedophilia more than people who fuck kids.”
Dr. Randall Samilost is a behavioral psychologist at the California Institute of Science and Technology and he says the results of their year-long study into Cernovich, who has made national headlines as the chief architect of the “Pizzagate” conspiracy, and more recently for dredging up writer/director James Gunn’s 10 year old off-color joke tweets about pedophilia and rape, are “quite illuminating.”
According to Samilost, he and his team used highly sophisticated algorithms to track how much time Cernovich spent in a 12-month period talking about pedophilia, accusing people of being pedophiles, and generally fixating on the subject. Samilost says he and his team started listening carefully to Cernovich last year, during the height of the Pizzagate conspiracy’s most dangerous times, and they all felt “he must think a lot about having sex with kids in general, because it really seems to occupy most of his cranial space,” said the doctor.
“I’m not suggesting that Cernovich has some pedophile tendencies,” Dr. Samilost told our interviewer, “I’m just saying that he doesn’t seem to go more than a day or two without talking about pedophiles on some level. I mean, I’m not sure racist southerners in the 1940’s talked about black people as much as Cernovich talks about pedophilia.”
Dr. Samilost did a comparative analysis of both on the record and off the record remarks and found that Mike Cernovich thinks about pedophiles and pedophilia85% more than people who actively participate in it do. We asked Dr. Samilost what that might mean.
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“It might mean nothing. It might mean he’s a card carrying member of NAMBLA. Hell, it might mean that deep down he really does feel so strongly about stopping pedophiles that he willfully misunderstands and takes 10 year old jokes out of context so he can accuse people without any evidence of pedophilia,” the doctor said. “I don’t really know; I just know that for a dude who is supposedly not into pedophilia, he sure does think about it something fierce.”
“This is nothing more than a left-wing smear tactic from the Hollywood, liberal academic world,” Cernovich told reporters in response to the study’s release. “I don’t deny that I think about pedophiles a lot, but that’s because I know that good, clean, red-blooded, Christ-loving, ammo-hoarding patriots want me to think about pedophiles so much I figure out a way to stop them.”
Mr. Cernovich then spent sixty minutes going through the phone listings for Hollywood and repeating “Pedophile” after every name he read. This story is developing.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
