Sarah Huckabee Sanders Fails New Year’s Resolution To Stop Smoking Crack On First Day Back To Work

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last year was quite the whirlwind for Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When 2017 started, she was merely the deputy Press Secretary, second banana to Sean Spicer. But after weeks and months of Spicer’s failures to do the job in a way that pleased her boss, Huckbaee was handed the reins of the White House media response team, and she immediately made a name for herself as a tough, no-nonsense spokesperson for the White House, as well as a truly hilarious comedian, often treating the press corps to one of her zany quips or hilarious anecdotes.

But it wasn’t all good for Huckabee last year. Being President Trump’s primary media representative forced her to tell the truth like he does, which technically is considering “lying” or “bullshitting” or “spewing absolutely untrue drivel on a daily basis,” according to scholars of the English language we spoke to for this piece. Fact-checking site PolitiFact has looked into four statements made by Ms. Huckabee Sanders and found that all of them were untrue, and one was “Pants on Fire.”

“Look, y’all gotta understand that I don’t lie on purpose. But I do have a crack habit that makes it very easy for me to just make up random stuff,” Huckabee Sanders told reporters at the end of 2017. “So that’s why starting next year, I am giving up crack and sticking to the one vice I will never give up — freebasing bacon gravy.”

However, the White House just confirmed that Press Secretary Huckabee Sanders has already fallen off the wagon.

“This morning, at approximately 11:00 am Eastern Time, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders looked at her itinerary for the day and noticed that she had to give a press briefing,” a White House statement reads. “This realization made Sarah panic about potentially telling the truth, and she resorted to an old fallback — crack cocaine.”

Later in the day, Sanders told reporters she was “sorry and regretful” but that she had to “also be brutally honest about how crack helps” her do her job.

“Huffing that glass dick isn’t a requirement of doing my job, but sure does help,” Huckabee told reporters. “Do you know how much easier it is to say with a straight face that Donald Trump isn’t inept when you’re on crack? Do you know how much simpler the words flow when you’re telling the media that even though the president said red, he clearly means green and that anyone who says otherwise is a cuck, when you’ve been hitting that crack pipe all day?”

Kellyanne Conway is said to be helping ween Huckabee off crack and onto something more palatable for conservatives, but with the same ability to kill precious brain cells.

“I’m getting Sarah hooked on Breitbart stories,” Conway said. “They’re just as detrimental to brain function as crack, but with the added bonus of xenophobia and racism.”

This story is developing.

You can read satire like this every day on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

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