Democrats Will Just Debate a Literal Sack of Shit in 2024

This week, the Republican National Committee officially ended its relationship with the commission that has run presidential debates for decades. Perhaps to the surprise of few who have paid attention to the right’s complaints about presidential debates for quite some time, the RNC voted unanimously to no longer participate in events hosted by the Commission on Presidential debates.

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Initial concerns about the electorate no longer seeing a contest of ideas and a debate from each side’s point of view were laid to rest today by the Democratic National Committee. According to a press release, a portion of which is seen below, the DNC’s candidate will still participate in any scheduled debates hosted by the commission. However, if the Republican nominee “is too much a soyboybetacuck snowflake” to show, the Democrat will debate a stand-in for the Republican.

“Of course, the DNC would much rather we debate the actual Republican nominee and not just their analogue, but we also understand that when you’re scared, you make quick, irrational decisions. Regardless, however, should the Republican nominee turn out to be someone who is too much a soyboybetacuck snowflake to debate our nominee, we’ll use the next best, closest thing — a literal sack of shit.”

The DNC argued that “over the past several presidential elections,” they’ve gotten used to debating a metaphorical sack of shit. So, to the Dems, debating a sack of manure, a literal bag of shit, would simulate, fairly closely, the experience of debating the Republican nominee.

“The truth is that over the last few debates, our party has gotten so good at handling sacks of shit that we’ve considered starting a landscaping company to try and bring in more campaign cash. At any rate, we know the American people have come to expect a rousing debate between a sanitized, center-left, corporate backed candidate and a literal sack of shit when they tune in to watch a Democrat debate a Republican, and we intend to give that experience to the American electorate, one way or the other.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.