“Much like how an Evangelical Christian can read the Bible and not know anything about Christianity, we eat brains, but get no intellectual benefit from them.”

You know, they say that “politics makes for strange bedfellows,” and in the case of Matt Gaetz, it also makes for extremely young bedfellows you paid via VenMo for the sex you’re about to have with them. But nothing, I think, could have possibly prepared me for the email I just got.

According to a press release sent to me and at least half a dozen other websites like this one, a major endorsement is coming soon. Considering the presidential election is just a few short months away, endorsements are to be expected. As we inch closer to that fateful day in November, in fact, I would imagine the endorsements will increase exponentially every day. But the email I just read contained one of the most surprising endorsements I’ve ever seen.

“In all our years living inside Robert F. Kennedy’s skull, living off the old Jell-O and anti-vaxxer talking points he calls a brain,” the email began, “we’ve gotten to know him very well. And we can say, without a doubt, he should not be president. Ever.”

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I was in shock. Was I really reading this? Is it really possible the worms inside RFK Jr’s head are smart, patriotic worms who know what’s best for this country?

“And that’s why we are endorsing Donald J. Trump for president!”

Okay, no, they aren’t smart. But I kept reading anyway.

“As brain worms, we eat brains. That doesn’t mean we are smart, though,” the worms continued. “Much like how an Evangelical Christian can read the Bible and not know anything about Christianity, we eat brains, but get no intellectual benefit from them. Therefore, we are still very simple-minded creatures ourselves, and that’s why we are endorsing Donald Trump…as all simple-minded creatures do.”

The brain worms did clarify later, though, that while they don’t get smarter eating brains, they do adopt many of the same views and opinions that are contained within said brains. Therefore, these worms were very much so like RFK in terms of what they think and believe, and that’s another reason they said they’re endorsing Trump.

“Let’s not kid ourselves. RFK is a lot closer to Trump when it comes to the bat shit crazy stuff that comes out of his aging nepo-baby mouth,” the worms reasoned. “So we know we are definitely not the only ones who are jumping ship from RFK to Trump. Don’t know many Biden voters that will be swayed by anti-Semitic antivaxxer rants, but who knows, maybe we’re wrong. Anyway, vote for Trump, so say we, the worms living off RFK’s brain.”

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