Are you depressed? Of course you are. If you’re not, you might want to ask yourself why not? Everyone remembers back in the 1930’s it was very “in vogue” to be depressed. Then there was the great Manic Depressive Purge of 1986 we’ll never forget. But the point is, you are now, have been, or probably will be depressed at some point in your life, it’s proven science. We think. We’re told.
A lot of people are told their depression isn’t their fault. That is dangerous scientific fact being used where we should only trust gut instinct, intuition, and our inner-eyes and/or consciousnesses.
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Luckily, as usual, we have done all the Google searching for you, and give you these six reasons why your depression is, in point of fact, ALL your fault.
You’re welcome, of course!
6. Let’s Face It. You’re Kind of a Loser.
Don’t be offended! Being a loser is actually sciencerifcally proven to be directly correlated and causalsationed to be an innate trait of humankind. It’s literally in our DNA to be fuck-ups, according to a study that we can’t seem to find right now but we know is real because we’re prettttty sure we saw it in a Google search one time. We’re willing to stake our weighty reputation for faithful adherence to report what is only scienceishly confirmed on that study being super-totally legit/real.
Anyway, the point is that since you’re categorically a loser, it only follows that you’d probably be at least a little bit depressed about it. The good news is that we also know that it’s scientastically undisputed that it’s just a matter of choosing not to be a loser, and you will no longer be a loser. The bad news is that thus far, no one has succeeded in doing it quite yet.
Of course, being a loser, you’re probably very well-prepared for never, ever doing it yourself.
5. Shouldn’t You Just Be Over It By The Time You’re Almost 40?
Oh, you poor baby.
You had unloving/unsupportive/unattentive/hypocritical/abusive/emotionally crippled/detached/deceased/stock broker/NRA TV Host/genocidal/whatever parents? How sad for you. When you were, like, five years old. But once you turn six, most real adults pull themselves up by their bootstraps and make themselves into proud, independant, ruggedly individualistic patriotic humans. Being depressed about stuff from your childhood or past is a luxury productive adults can’t afford. So, maybe just get over it already?
The point is that whatever is in your past that’s messing you up now shouldn’t, at least according to science, if you care about such things.
4. You Need God In Your Life
If there is one thing scienceticians are completely sure of, it’s that God is an essential part of your chemical makeup. In fact, some sciencey people have speculated that a lack of God in your life can lead to all sorts of health maladies from smelly gas to full-blown 24-hour rectal cancer! So, maybe if you get right with God, you won’t even be depressed anymore, sinner.
3. You Started Taking Flaxseed Oil Instead of Your Anti-Depressants
Look, you had the right idea ditching Big Pharma’s so-called anti-depressants, okay? But you chose flaxseed oil to replace them? DUDE.
We all know that the proper nutritional/herbal/homepathic remedy for depression is:
1 tsp. cinnamon
2 whole chemtrail pills of your chose, pulverized
1 pint gin (top shelf preferred)
1 clove cigarette, pulverized and enclosed in suppository capsule
Warm cardigan sweater
Put on the sweater, swallow the chemtrail pill, eat the cinnamon, insert the gin in your rectum and then drink the suppository. Bingo. Depression cured. Get off your flaxseed oil, charlatan.
2. You’re Not Eating Enough Raw Vegetables
…and clearly you’re not listening to enough of Dr. David “Avocado” Wolfe’s podcasts, self-help tapes, and airport terminal rantings. If you did, you’d now about the remarkable juju-enhancing and detoxin-ification properties of raw vegetables. But the kicker? You have to also eat at least a kilogram of cardboard a day, too. Also a hamburger and maybe some Taco Bell. Once your body’s internal juju is back in alignment, you won’t even remember what depression feels like!
Follow the Wolfe Diet, and you won’t have a moment to spare to be depressed again. Maybe because you’ll be dead in under a week, but you will not die depressed!
1. Your Chakras Are Purple and Your Aura Smells Like Burned Grilled Cheese and Ham Sand
What the hell did you expect with purple chakras, man? Of course you’re gonna be depressed about purple chakras! I’m depressed for you because of your purple chakras! Thankfully for just six easy installments of $1650 you can get the Pure Crystal Cure delivered to you by our courier service, Will.
Sure, the cure is just some meth we cooked up, but you have no idea how good you’ll feel once you’ve enjoyed the soul-quenching and chi balancing effects of our meth!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
