“Folks, I have to tell you, that this Andy Jackson painting really was one of my boldest, wisest calls,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office this morning. “He was such a bigly great president. A lot of people have told me I’m like him, but just with a different group of people who aren’t white. Although, I’ve been told by someone whose opinion I think is very important that President Jackson’s a victim of fake news too!”
According to the president, he received a call from Russian President Vladimir Putin and he was given “incredibly shocking information” that completely validated his decision to put the portrait of Jackson back up in the White House.
Trump Backtracks Backtrack: “I Meant To Say I Saw No Reason It Would Wouldn’t Be Not Not Russia!”
“Vlad told me, and I have every reason to believe everything he says by the way, like millions of rubles — I mean reasons — is what I’m trying to say here,” Trump said. “So he told me that all the people freaking out about Andy Jackson are being shortsighted, and are ill-informed. It turns out, Jackson didn’t have anything to do with genocide of the natives or the Trail of Tears!”
President Trump said that due to his “bigly special relationship” with Putin, he’s come to find out the Russian president “literally never lies.”
“Everything he’s ever told me has turned out to be true,” Trump said. “Like when he said, “Don, don’t worry, you’ll be president, I promise.” He was right! Somehow he knew I’d be able to squeak by with an Electoral College only win! Somehow he knew it! I don’t know how — NO COLLUSION! — but SOMEHOW he knew! So I trust everything he says now.”
Mr. Trump said the Jackson portrait will stay as long as he’s in the Oval Office, thanks to Putin’s assurances. This is a developing story, and the White House didn’t comment on it.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
