WASHINGTON, DC. — President Donald Trump announced via Twitter a “key plan” his administration has put together which they say relates to their agenda on climate change.
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“I wasn’t planning on doing much for climate change,” Trump tweeted, “given that it’s a Chinese hoax, as you all know I tweeted about years ago. That’s what smart people do. They see the truth, they tweet the truth. At 3am. With a Twinkie in one hand, and an Eastern-European titty with a pile of coke in the other hand, know what I mean?”
Mr. Trump said that despite being elected without much interest in tackling climate change, since Election Day he’s done some “rethinking,” and watching hurricanes blast the Gulf Coast and Caribbean has put him in a different state of mind.
Reportedly, Trump has said he wants to make an overture to the environmentally concerned.
“So that’s why I’m going to direct my administration to embrace alternative, renewable energy sources,” Trump said, “starting with having the entire capital, all of Washington D.C., running on good, clean, renewable white power.”
Trump said that he expects every government building and agency to be drawing at least half its necessary electricity needs from sustainable white power. Trump said he already has the “right guys in mind” for the contract to convert D.C.’s power grid.
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“They’re Steve Bannon’s family actually,” Trump said, “they’ve been peddling white power for years, I guess. Good stuff. Powerful stuff. Should be able to really get this country moving again. And remember what I promised, to make America white again. I mean great. I always get white and great mixed up, but who could blame me, am I white?”
President Trump would not be the first president to make alterations to the White House or other capital buildings as they relate to power consumption. President Jimmy Carter famously had solar panels installed on the White House roof in the 1970’s, and President Ronald Reagan had them removed, calling them “Commie sun power leechers.”
Government engineers’ estimates put the cost of converting the nation’s capital’s energy grid to white power to be roughly sixteen billion dollars, though they say the “moral cost is incalculable.”
“So many great things were done in this country using good, clean, renewable white power,” Trump said, “whether it was peacefully moving the Indians to reservations where we can all agree they’re much, much happier and better off…or whether it was the glorious agrarian economy of the south that was designed and maintained using what, ladies and gentlemen? That’s right, renewable white power. The point is that white power has always done it all, because white power is really stubborn and resistant to change. It’s perfectly American that way, really. Isn’t it?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
