WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced today that he was creating a brand new cabinet position, on his own authority, and that former Vice-Presidential candidate and winner of the 2006 “Be The Alaskan Mayor For A Few Weeks” contest, Sarah Palin, would be made its very first secretary.
“Sarah is a great dame,” Trump told the crowd, “a great broad. She’s got great tits, great legs, and she sometimes says things that make you think a man had to have told her say it because it’s actually smart, and not just stuff some dumb dame would say. That’s why I’d be a lucky man to have Sarah on me team, and I know just the right position for her.”
Trump added with a wink and a nod, “and no, I’m not talking about doggy, reverse cowgirl, or the one where you have a guy tug you off while you stare at her butthole, I’m talking about a position in my cabinet!”
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According to Trump, Palin will be “offered a chance to make her unique and important mark on the impressionable young minds of America when he makes her “the Secretary of Educationalizing.” Trump told his supporters that “only a woman as erudite and intellectually sound as Sarah could head up the governmental agency in charge of making sure your kids don’t wind up dumb as a box of rocks.”
“Sarah can make sure that parents have a choice to have your tax dollars pay for their children’s religious school education, thanks to vouchers and calling the issue ‘school choice,'” Trump told the crowd, saying also that “she can all but guarantee your kid will leave his or her six years of public education to enter the work force immediately knowing that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and that climate change is a hoax perpetrated by Satan himself.”
Mr. Trump acknowledged that he currently has a Secretary of Education, and that Betsy Devos is its secretary. However, Trump says this new department would focus on “teaching kids to be extremely dumb” because of how much he “loves the poorly educated.”
“Betsy is in charge of education, and that’s fine, of course, because anyone can tell by listening to her just how intelligent and educated she is,” Trump said. “But when I found Ol’ Funbags Palin was single, I thought to myself, ‘Self, you should really give Sarah a spot on your team, and then you’ll get to stare at her boobies all day, at the very least. And maybe, she’ll come up with a good idea…you know…for a female brain, anyway.”
Trump said that he decided to make Palin his Educationalizing secretary when she recently interviewed him. ”
Reached for comment, Ms. Palin told reporters that she was “excitable beyond belief” to be “offered an opportunity to ensure our children are learned the things they need to be and not hocus-pocus, liberal, lamestream, Cultral Marxism.” Ms. Palin’s husband Todd recently filed for divorce after 31 years of marriage. Palin said that her first action would be to work with Devos to “completely dismantle the public education system and rebuild it in the way God would have wanted us to, with only the Bible as our curriculum.” The former high school basketball star also said she’d consider “abolishing any subject that doesn’t directly relate to America’s exceptionalistic history as well as give all the glory to God for that same exceptionialisticness.”
“Sarah may not be the brightest star in the sky,” Trump said as he was ending his rally, “but she’s certainly a carbon based life form that Republican base voters respond to, so I’m going to go ahead and pander to that. Sure, you could all be scared shitless at the notion of me hiring Palin or any number of the goons I’ve cozied-up with the last few months and the damage that might be done to our infrastructure and public services, but you’re probably a loser if so. Winners know they have to trust other winners. Clearly a guy who has run his company into the ground at least four times is a winner, and for sure a woman who is so toxic to her party that she completely tanked a perhaps electable candidate in 2008 is a winner as well.”
“So sit down, sit back, and shut up, Trump’s gonna do this up right, Trump style, and you’ll all be left with just two words to say to me when I’m done serving my first two year term, and those two words are ‘Thank you, Donald Trump for making this country better again and not being a total loser d-bag.’ Trump out!”
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