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Fat Fuck Attention Whore: “Thousands of People Dying Don’t Hurt My Fabulous TV Ratings!”
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Yesterday, America's most powerful elected twatwaffle held yet another klanpaign rally not so cleverly disguised as a vital press briefing on...
Ghoulish Narcissistic Con Man: “Who Gives a Fuck How Many People Die If My...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A tubby, ghoulish, narcissistic con man -- who somehow managed to get access to America's nuclear launch codes -- held another...
RBG: “Hey Assholes! I’m Not Immortal, So Which Old White Guy You Trust More...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg issued an urgent press release this morning, a rare and unprecedented event in and of...
Mike Pence Went Looking for Coronavirus Videos But Accidentally Watched Pornhub for 12 Hours
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources close to the situation are reporting that Vice President High Priest Mike Pence has spent approximately the last twelve hours...
Wayne LaPierre: Obama Confiscated So Many Guns Americans Were Left Defenseless Against Coronavirus
FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- NRA CEO and Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told various gun manufacturers on a conference call this morning that he blames former...
Country That Can’t Afford Universal Health Care Magically Finds $2 Trillion in Cash Lying...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a stunning and unforeseen turn of events, the United States federal government has seemingly found about $2 trillion laying around...
Pro-Life Evangelical Christian Explains Why Grandma Has to Die to Save Boeing Stock Prices
HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA -- Televangelist Bill Millen, an outspoken and devout supporter of President Donald J. Trump, told his tele-congregation this week that America's...
Doctors Treating Rand Paul’s Coronavirus With Bootstraps, Thoughts, and Prayers
BOWLING GREEN, CUNTUCKY -- This weekend, Senator Rand Paul (R-Kremlin) became the first sitting U.S. Senator to have a confirmed coronavirus infection. Senator Paul's...
CDC Reminder: Also Sanitize Your Butt Plugs When There’s No Pandemic
ATLANTA, GEORGIA --Authorities at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a new statement to Americans, urging them to sanitize their butt plugs to...
American Cancer Assures Public He’s Still Focused on Stopping Spread of “Chinese Virus”
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The President of the United States -- an American cancer in an ill-fitting suit -- gave an update to the American...
